


I need the darkness (someone please cut the lights)

by dimension



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-05-23 20:37:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 41,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14940981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimension/pseuds/dimension
Summary: Clarke felt a hand on her shoulder. She knew if she turned around she would meet Raven’s concerned eyes. But she didn’t want to turn around, didn’t want to face the truth.Bellamy had a girlfriend. Bellamy was not in love with Clarke.—modern AU. Clarke realizes she is in love with Bellamy. Her life becomes a series of heartaches.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> The first draft of this was written well before season 5 started airing. I strongly resent any purely coincidental resemblances.
> 
> The title is from Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) by Arcade Fire.

Clarke’s feet hit the uneven dirt path one after the other. Her short puffs of breath were visible in front of her as they met the crisp morning air. In the distance she could finally make out the dim lights of her home.

The sky above her was dark, but she spotted a light blue where the sun would soon touch the edge of the horizon in an explosion of red-orange hues. In a matter of minutes it would be bright out, the safe cover of night gone completely.

Tall trees towered around her, creating an illusion. It would be easy to believe this forest went on forever. In reality, she could find civilization a mere few miles to her west.

If she didn’t have the packed dirt path to guide her, she would easily get lost. Clarke might have known these acres better than anyone else, but even to her everything could begin to blend together. Each tree and every strip of moss. They tended to look the same.

Jogging was a habit Clarke picked up as a counter to her stress induced insomnia. She could feel a peace being alone in the woods that no other place could provide her. It was therapeutic.

She’d seen the movies and the TV episodes where an innocent girl wanders into the forest only to be brutally murdered. She’d been yelled at by Bellamy—her best friend—about the dangers of being alone in such an isolated place. Neither were enough to scare her off of it.

Clarke had grown up in these woods. She’d spent the better part of twenty years trekking in and out of them, and not once had she felt remotely spooked. She was confident as regards to her safety.

It was entirely possible she was addicted. The smell of pine alone was enough to relieve a week’s worth of worries. When the fresh air—untouched by other humans—filled her lungs, instant relief pumped though her veins. Yes, she loved that. No, not loved. Craved.

Clarke’s pace had begun to slow. Her blonde hair stopped swinging in its ponytail. As she reached her back door with rapid breaths she grabbed her keys out of her neon green fanny pack.

Her house resembled a cabin; two storied, built with logs, and a generous amount of windows. To an outsider it may have appeared as a vacation home, used only a few weeks out of the year. Certainly no one would guess that a twenty year old girl lived there alone.

Once the door was unlocked, she stepped into her home. Like always, she was greeted by an absence of noise. The silence indoors was less relaxing than that in the middle of the woods. In fact, it was unsettling.

Fresh in her mind was always a reminder of this same exact home as she grew up. Her father’s records would blast through the empty spaces of the house. His bright laugh filled the home with warmth as he danced her around the living room.

Even as she aged a bit, her parents animated conversations would be muted in the background as Clarke worked on her homework in her bedroom. There was always something to entertain her ears.

She wished she had appreciated it when she had it. It was ridiculous. Something as simple as sound should not have to be actively valued. But a person would miss anything, even something so absurd, when it was gone.

She pushed that thought aside as she struggled out of her sneakers. Once they were off she went straight for the kitchen. With an exasperated huff she clicked on her TV, broadcasting the local news loudly. Anything to fill the void.

She grabbed a cool clear glass from her cabinets and filled it with water. Draining it down quickly, she satiated the thirst that had built on her run.

Any thoughts of nostalgia were distanced in her mind as she headed up her stairs for a shower.

—

Later that day, Clarke sat in front of a blank canvas willing her mind to be inspired. She had been at it for hours.

Some artists knew how to strike inspiration in themselves. They could put on a playlist, or light the right candle, and creativity would flood their minds instantly.

Clarke was not one of those people.

There was no secret trick that could produce a flawless final product for her. She simply had to wait it out, hoping the perfect idea would come along.

When art was just a hobby that was not a problem. Clarke could go weeks without even touching a paintbrush, then spend days on end locked in her room refining piece after piece.

But art was now a grade. Clarke mostly attended classes online, but once a week she headed to the city to attend her art class.

Next fall, the college would host her first solo gallery. It was a requirement for passing. Most students wouldn’t stress over the gallery until at least the quarter of, if not later. But Clarke had been dreaming of her first gallery since she was fourteen. Knowing it was so close, she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Outside of her art, Clarke’s life was nothing like what she would have predicted five years ago. But she knew better than most that unforeseeable events could change a persons life.

Clarke could easily pass her childhood off as a sob story. Her parents were workaholics who neglected her and left her attention starved. But she was mature enough to know the truth. Her parents loved her and it could have been a lot worse.

It was easier with her Dad. They shared the same values and always got along.

Her relationship with her Mom was filled with constant disagreements. Her Mom had controlling tendencies and was unwilling to change. Things were much better between the two of them once Clarke had moved out. Distance had been good for their relationship.

In her teenage years, Clarke distinctly remembered her parents fighting more and more. The loud shouting echoed though the hallways almost every night. She would wake most mornings to find her Dad on the couch.

One weekend her parents took her to the ice cream shop in town. That was especially strange to Clarke; her Mom hated indulging in sweets, and she couldn’t remember the last time the three of them had gone somewhere. Her suspicions were raised.

It wasn’t much of a surprise that when she had gotten home they sat her down at the dining room table and told her they were getting a divorce.

Clarke prided herself in handling that news spectacularly well. 

She did not take pride in the fit she threw when they told her she would be moving to the city with her Mom.

At fifteen, given no choice in the matter, Clarke moved to Mecha. She visited her father every other weekend in Arkadia. She even got to stay with him one summer. But it was never enough time.

When she graduated she immediately started college, intensively preparing herself to become a doctor. Her schedule was busy and sucked the life out of her. It wasn’t what she wanted, it was her Mom's dream.

Clarke had felt paralyzed by the idea of doing something her Mom would disprove of. She dreaded disappointing her parents. So, even though she was miserable, she stayed in Mecha for the Fall, Winter and Spring quarters.

Then Summer happened. One phone call was all it took to break Clarke completely. Her Dad was hit by a drunk driver. He was killed on impact.

When Clarke returned to Arkadia for the funeral, she had an ache in her gut. That ache told her she couldn’t go back to Mecha. She couldn’t waste her days away being someone she didn’t want to be.

A few days later, when they were reviewing her Dad’s will, they discovered he left his small fortune and his home to Clarke. That was all Clarke needed to make the decision. She left her schooling, left Mecha, and moved back to Arkadia.

—

“Then Reggie told Joelle he had always loved her.” Clarke explained.

“Wait.” Bellamy interrupted. “I thought Reggie was in love with Sam.”

“He was.”

“I’m so confused.”

“Watch the show and you won’t be.”

“Pass.”

Bellamy sat in front of Clarke in the diner on the edge of town. He picked at her fries as she finished her burger.

They were headed to a baseball game in Mecha that night. Since stadium food was both disgusting and overpriced, they were grabbing dinner beforehand. It was tradition.

“How’s your painting’s going?” He switched topics.

She gave him a blank stare.

“For your gallery.” He clarified.

“I know what you’re talking about. I just don’t want to talk about it.” She said.

“Really? Because the other day you told me _‘I feel like the only thing I’ll never get bored of talking about is my art’_ ”

She groaned.

“Shut up.” She reached for a fry and chucked it at his face. “And my voice is not that high pitched.”

He looked at her, eyebrows raised in expectation. She had never answered his initial question.

“It’s just starting to stress me out.” She explained. “I’ve wanted this for so long, but now that its actually happening I feel like I’m gonna fail.”

He watched her for a moment. His expression shifted.

“You’re gonna figure this out.” His voice was serious. “Trust me. Clarke Griffin does not try and fail. Ever.”

His eyes were honest.

“No pressure there.” She muttered under her breath.

He stared at her in silence for a moment longer. She felt a warmth in her body when he licked his lips, and a strange panic when he opened his mouth.

“Clarke, I—“

“Ya’ll want dessert or your check?” The older waitress interrupted them.

Bellamy let out a puff of frustration.

“Check is fine.” He muttered, reaching for his wallet. The waitress dropped the receipt on the table and left.

“Clarke—“

“Can we not talk about my gallery anymore?” She cut him off. She didn’t know why, but she was nervous about what he might say.

She watched him deflate visibly. He almost looked disappointed.

“I just need a break from thinking about it.” She clarified.

He smiled understandingly, dropped a bill on the table and stood up.

“Let’s head out. Wouldn’t want to be late.” He pulled his red flannel on before walking out of the diner.

Clarke stared after him for a moment, confused by whatever had just happened.

—

Clarke was distracted. She sat in her seat at the stadium, willing the moment in the diner to get out of her head. What would he have said if she hadn’t stopped him? She couldn’t even begin to imagine.

He always cared so much for her. But that was Bellamy. He cared about everyone. She knew she shouldn’t read into it.

Although, sometimes he did things that made Clarke wonder. When he would catch her eye and stare for a moment longer than necessary, or tease her with that smile that she had never seen directed at anyone else, it didn’t feel like it was her best friend doing those things to her. It felt like a lot more.

“I need to stretch my legs.” He spoke into her ear. A shiver ran down her spine at his closeness. “Wanna go walk around?”

“I could use a beer.” She suggested.

They maneuvered out of their row of seats and headed for the stretch behind the stadium.

There was a small crowd of people walking around. Bellamy placed his hand on the small of her back, as if to ensure they wouldn’t be separated. His hand burnt into her skin through her shirt. She knew she was blushing at least a little.

They got in a short concessions line.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom.” He told her, already inching towards the restrooms.

“Okay.” She smiled. “I’ll be here.”

She got her beer without ordeal, the concession worker taking her order like a robot.

She leaned on the concrete wall while waiting for Bellamy to return from the bathroom.

A few minutes later she saw him break through the crowd. He looked around with furrowed brows. When his eyes met hers the crease in his forehead smoothed over.

Clarke couldn’t describe what happened in the moment, but something hit her.

She was quite used to recognizing Bellamy’s objective attractiveness. Usually, she could push it aside logically.

But walking back towards her, she couldn’t deny that her reaction was more that logical. Because he looked so good.

His blue t shirt that featured a moose mascot holding a baseball cut off high on his biceps. His arms were always toned. A small smile played on his lips. She didn’t mean to sound cheesy, but all she could think was that his smile could light up a room.

She felt a strong surge of affection for him. But not just that. No, affection couldn’t even begin to cover what she felt.

“Wanna go sit?” He asked.

Clarke looked up at him.

Somehow, looking into his eyes, it all connected.

The warmth that came from being near him. How his smile could make her day.

_She was in love with him._

The realization hit hard.

“Yeah.” She squeaked out.

She hoped that she was wrong. She could have misjudged the feeling in her heart. If her feelings were true, she knew it would bring nothing but pure heartache.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in the direction of their seats.

—

As they drove back towards Arkadia that night, the freeway overlooked the urban sprawl on the outskirts of the city. It wouldn’t have been noticeable in the darkness of night if it weren’t for the light that shone through the windows of houses. From a distance, they resembled a field of stars.

Clarke looked over at Bellamy. The light from the dash illuminated his face. Some pop song that Clarke didn’t recognize played softly on the radio, barely noticeable over the loud noise of the truck driving down the road.

He looked over and caught her staring. She was locked into his eyes, couldn’t look away, completely enamored by his existence. The moment felt pivotal.

He looked back at the road, but she couldn’t bring herself to look away, to pretend like this moment wasn’t everything to her.

She couldn’t deny it anymore. Looking back at the road, she was shell shocked because she knew she was completely, without a doubt, entirely in love with Bellamy Blake.

—

That night she went home and painted something unlike anything she’d ever made.

—

Clarke didn’t want to tell Bellamy she was in love with him.

She wouldn’t even know how too breach the subject, so much as say the words.

But she felt like she needed to get it out, to tell someone.

She had options, of course. She could talk to Wells about it, but he was the biggest gossip she knew. It would probably take less than twenty four hours before whatever she told Wells would get around to Bellamy.

She could tell Raven, but Raven was compulsively judgmental, and that was the last thing Clarke needed.

Normally in these situations she would talk to Bellamy, but… yeah. That wasn’t going to work for this.

So keeping it to herself was the only option.

—

It was the next Friday when that mentality changed.

Clarke was at the local bar in town. She sat in her booth listening to Monty give her advice about why her succulents kept dying.

She suddenly realized that Bellamy never came back with the drink he said he would get her.

She looked over at the bar in search for him, only to see some tall brunette leaned over him, hand on his chest. He was definitely flirting back with her. Great.

Jealousy struck through her. She knew she had no right to be mad at him, but it still wasn’t fun for her to see.

It wasn’t like this was the first time she had seen Bellamy with a girl, but it was the first time she’d seen it since realizing she was in love with him. It hurt.

“Hello? Earth to Clarke.” Monty waved a hand in front of her face. “You totally zoned out there.”

Clarke tried to smile but it probably appeared more like a grimace.

Seeing Bellamy with girls all over him was hard for her. It was a reminder that he could have pretty much any girl he wanted, and that Clarke wasn’t the girl he wanted. She needed that drink.

“I’m gonna go grab a drink. You guys want anything?”

Everyone still sitting at the booth offered some variant of ‘no thanks.’ Clarke slid out of her seat. The leather of the booth clung to her legs as she tried to leave.

She maneuvered towards the bar, intentionally going to the side Bellamy was not at.

The bartended was new, which was unusual considering how small the town was. After she ordered she made small talk with him. She learned his name was Sterling, and that he had moved to Arkadia on a whim when he saw the job opening.

He handed her a drink, but seemed in no rush to move on to other customers, so they continued speaking.

She was mid-sentence when she felt someone get too close to her back.

She craned her neck and found it was Bellamy who stood next to her. His eyebrows were drawn. He placed one hand on her shoulder and handed her a drink with his other.

“I said I would get you a drink.” He spoke an octave lower than normal.

Out of the corner of her eye Clarke saw Sterling walk off to another customer.

“You seemed distracted.” She bit back with a hint of hostility. He didn’t get to be irritated at her when he was the one who never brought her back a drink.

He reached his arm behind his head to rub the base of his neck.

“Sorry about that. She couldn’t take a hint.”

Somehow him apologizing made it even weirder.

“You don’t…” It wasn’t worth explaining. “Never mind.”

She raised her drink and muttered a ‘thanks’ before walking back to their booth.

When she got to her seat Raven raised an eyebrow at her. This was their way of checking in with each other in public. Clarke gave her a small smile, assuring Raven that she was okay.

Clarke tried to enjoy herself as the night went on, but every time she looked for Bellamy he had a different girl hanging all over him.

Which was fine. Really. He could do whatever he wanted.

Sure, it hurt a little that ‘whatever he wanted’ wasn’t Clarke, since he had barely been around her all night. But this was not news to Clarke. She knew he wasn’t interested in her like that.

If she told herself that enough times, it would hopefully start to hurt less.

She quickly found herself drained from pining over Bellamy. It was exhausting.

She could feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness creep into her body. It felt wrong being surrounded by so many friends and feeling so alone. 

She needed to get out of the bar. At least then her loneliness would feel in place. 

She drove Raven to the bar, so she had to make sure Raven had a ride back before she left. 

With her light buzz killed completely, she turned to Raven.

“I’m gonna take off.” She said as cheerily as she could manage. “I can ask Monty if he doesn’t mind taking you home.”

“Thats okay.” Raven said before downing the remains of her drink. “I’m ready to head out.”

They said their quick goodbyes to everyone at the table. Clarke made it a point to not walk over and tell Bellamy she was leaving. He clearly wasn’t concerned with her whereabouts 

Clarke took a deep breath when they left the bar. The cool air stung her lungs, but she didn’t mind. It was a relief to be away from the crowd.

They walked down the street and hopped into Clarke’s hatchback. Once inside, Clarke started the car immediately and turned the heat on full blast.

“What did I miss?” Raven asked once they had warmed up.

“Hmm?” Clarke played oblivious as she turned on her blinker 

“You were in a terrible mood all night. Did something happen?”

Clarke stayed silent. Her fingers clenched around the steering wheel. She felt her emotions swelling inside.

Of course she was in a terrible mood after hours of emotional torture. She spent the entire night watching the person she was in love with flirt with other people.

It was an annoying reminder that the people that loved her always left. Her Mom ended up hating her. Her Dad died. The only serious relationships she had ever been in ended with them choosing someone else over her.

So, yeah, maybe sometimes she wondered if she was lovable. It was stupid and she knew it was just her exhaustion talking, but it was a hard thought to stop.

“Did Abby try to get you to move back to the city again? Is that why you’re upset?” Raven pressed.

Clarke wished she could have stopped the tear that fell down her face.

“Clarke, I’m sorry.” Raven stammered. Her tone had softened considerably. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t. I’m just… tired.” Clarke lied.

Clarke knew Raven didn’t believe her excuse, but she thankfully didn’t say anything.

Raven rented a house downtown, so the drive was short. After a few minutes of silence, Clarke pulled into Ravens driveway and put the car in park.

Raven didn’t make any move to leave. They both sat there as a few more tears rolled down Clarke’s face.

After a minute, Raven spoke in a careful tone. “I don’t feel comfortable leaving you like this. 

Clarke nodded and took a few shaky breaths. Her eyes were focused intently on the steering wheel in front of her.

Raven continued talking. “Should I call Bellamy? He always knows how to help. 

That set Clarke off. She couldn’t talk to Bellamy about this. Bellamy was what caused all of this .

“No.” That singular word was all she could get out before shallow breaths took over. Her tears streamed uncontrollably down her face. She placed a hand over her eyes. Salty liquid leaked between her fingers. 

Raven rubbed a comforting hand up and down Clarke’s back.

Without thinking, Clarke spoke. “I think I’m in love with him.” 

Saying it out loud was refreshing. It gave Clarke enough strength to wipe her tears away and look Raven in the eyes.

“You’re in love with…?” Clarity passed over Raven’s face. “Oh… _Oh_.”

Clarke moved her gaze in front of her.

“I realized it the other day. Being at the bar today, seeing him flirt with other girls…. it was hard.” Clarke knew her voice was unsteady. She hoped it didn’t sound pathetic.

Raven pulled Clarke into her arms. She collapsed into Ravens shoulder over the divider.

She let go of her pain as much as she could. After a minute she started to feel better.

Clarke pulled back.

“Clarke—“

Clarke interrupted Raven. “I’d like to talk about it, just not tonight.”

“Whenever you’re ready, I’m here.”

“Thank you.” Clarke whispered.

“Do you need to stay at my place tonight?” Raven asked.

“No. I can manage getting home.”

“Okay.” Raven said. “Text me when you get there.”

“Okay.”

“And let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight.” 

“Night.” 

—

When Clarke got home she relaxed her muscles with a long warm shower. She then went straight for her bed. 

Lying in bed, she realized she forgot to text Raven.

**Clarke 11:42 pm:** _made it home._

**Clarke 11:42 pm:** _thanks again._

She noticed she had a few texts from Bellamy.

**Bellamy 11:29 pm:** _Monty said you left?_

**Bellamy 11:29 pm:** _why didn’t you say bye? :(_

**Bellamy 11:31 pm:** _At least let me know you made it hiem safe._  

**Bellamy 11:31 pm:** _*home_

**Clarke 11:44 pm:** _sorry_  

**Clarke 11:44 pm:** _got distracted. forgot to say bye._

Bellamy’s reply came instantly

**Bellamy 11:44 pm:** _No worries._

Clarke was about to put her phone down and go to bed when it pinged again.

**Bellamy 11:45 pm:** _sorry we didn’t get to hang out much tonight :/_  

Clarke smiled. 

**Clarke 11:45 pm:** _its ok_

**Clarke 11:46 pm:** _theres always next time_

**Clarke 11:46 pm:** _night bell_  

**Bellamy 11:46 pm:** _night princess._

Clarke fell asleep with a smile. She thought that maybe—just maybe—Bellamy felt the same way as she did.

—

Clarke slept in the next morning for the first time in a long time. Her mind felt cleared from the fog the previous night had brought.

Her assignments for the week were all finished, which meant there was nothing stopping her from snuggling into the warmth of her bed.

When she finally crawled out of bed, the sun filled her room with natural light. She went to her kitchen, poured herself a cup of coffee and turned on the news.

She moved to her love seat in her living room and sipped away at her steaming coffee with her favorite blanket and her phone. 

She had refreshed her Instagram feed for about the fifth time when she decided to brave her messages.

Five from her Mom. Two from Raven. Three from Bellamy.

Out of the three people, Raven’s seemed the least daunting to tackle.

**Raven 8:04 am:** _Morning sunshine;) I’m not in the shop today._  

**Raven 8:04 am:** _How are you feeling?_

**Clarke 8:51 am:** _Feeling better… Could we get lunch today?_

While she waited for Raven to respond, she checked her texts from Bellamy.

**Bellamy 6:23 am:** _I fell asleep on my glasses I’m so mad_

**Bellamy 6:25 am:** _Attachment: 1 Image_  

**Bellamy 7:04 am:** _Pizza tonight at mine?_

Clarke smiled at her phone.

**Clarke 8:55 am:** _omg your glasses. thats so sad:(_  

**Clarke 8:55 am:** _Also yes to pizza I’ll be there @ 7_

She finished making her lunch plans with Raven and then got up to shower. 

—

“You really didn’t know until last week?” Raven questioned in the seat across from Clarke. 

Clarke picked at her teriyaki, her appetite barely existent.

“I guess the feeling was building for a while. But something about that moment… I couldn’t call what I felt anything other than love. Ugh. That sounded so lame.” 

“You really are gone for him.” Raven observed. “Are you gonna tell him?” 

“I don’t think I can.” Clarke said, eyebrows furrowed. “If I say something and he doesn’t feel the same was, it ruins what we have. And then we can’t be friends anymore because I couldn’t keep my stupid feeling in check.”

Raven placed her fork on her plate and took a deep breath before speaking. Clarke could tell she was putting careful thought into her next words.

“I don’t want to get your hopes up and say he’s in love with you too. Even though he very well could be.” 

“He’s not—” 

“But.” Raven continued. “Even if he doesn’t fell the same, he would never let it ruin your friendship with him. You know how he is. He’d understand.” 

“I know he would be willing to look past it.” Clarke spoke slowly. “But it would change things for me to know he doesn’t feel the same.” 

Raven watched Clarke contemplatively for a moment before responding.

“You just figured all this out. Give yourself time to decide what you’re gonna do.” 

“Yeah…” Clarke sighed. She could only hope time would help. 

—

“Virginia Avenue. Pay up. Four hundred dollars.” Clarke spoke, satisfied with herself.

“If we had played Risk like I suggested you would not be winning right now.” Bellamy muttered under his breath, handing her the cash. 

He stood up and stretched his arms in the air. The skin of his lower abdomen peaked through. Clarke looked away and cleared her throat. She shouldn’t be looking at him like that, not without his permission. 

“I need another beer.” Bellamy announced, walking towards his kitchen.

“Grab me one too, please.” She requested. She turned her attention to her phone while waiting for him to return.

After a minute she heard Bellamy returning to the room, his heavy footsteps announced his presence.

She looked up at him. Wow, how did she not notice it before? Casual looked good on him. Like, really good.

His sweatpants hung off his hips and his hair was even messier than usual. Yeah, this look was definitely doing it for Clarke.

“Here.” He said before handing her the beer.

She was a little distracted by the smile on his face and didn’t get as good of a grip on the beer as either of them thought. When he let go of the bottle it toppled out of her hand and the liquid went pouring down the front of her shirt. 

She mentally berated herself for letting Bellamy distract her into this amount of clumsiness.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry.” He started. “I thought you had that.”

“No. Don’t apologize, it was my fault.” 

They made eye contact and he smirked. She let out a small breathy laugh.

“I should probably go clean this up.” She gestured towards the mess that was her soaked shirt.

“Right. I’ll grab you a spare shirt.” He clasped his hands together before walking out of the room. 

When she got into his guest bathroom, she ran a wet towel down the front of beer bathed shirt.

She heard the floorboards creek and looked up to find Bellamy standing in the doorway. 

He stood frozen with a plain black tee in his hand. His abnormally dark eyes were fixed on Clarke’s shirt. She gazed down, confused, and realized that her once white shirt was now see through. Her navy blue lace bra was completely visible.

Clarke gaped. Was Bellamy… _checking her out?_

“Um.” Clarke stammered.

That seemed to break Bellamy out of his daze. He shook his head and stepped forward, holding the shirt out to her. His eyes were now dutifully trained on some spot on the wall behind her.

“Here. You can throw your shirt in the dirty laundry when you’re done changing.” He walked out, completely ignoring whatever had just happened.

When he left, Clarke closed the door. She wondered if that was the first time he had looked at her like that. Or if she had just never noticed before. 

She put on his shirt and looked at herself in the mirror. In her mind, she tried not to imagine another scenario were she was in Bellamy’s house wearing his clothes. 

She gave herself a quick smile in the mirror and walked back out to his living room. 

“You better not have moved my wheelbarrow while I was gone.” She teased, making sure the conversation was in safe territory.

“As if I need to cheat in order to beat you.” He threw back confidently.

She sat down, her smile barely contained.

— 

The end of spring came fast and faded into Summer, which flew by even faster.

Nothing momentous happened for Clarke in those months. She spent her time enjoying life and, as one would, trying to figure out if Bellamy was madly in love with her.

There were times when she thought he was. He would do little things, like cook her dinner or text her something thoughtful, and her mind would swirl with possibilities of deeper meanings behind his actions. 

Then he’d do something, like leave the bar with a random girl, and the doubt would creep back into her mind. 

She couldn’t tell him unless she was one hundred percent sure he felt the same way, and she had yet to receive any sort of definitive signals. 

She was grateful her fall classes would be starting soon. She could focus on her degree and her art. The distraction would be welcome. 

—

Clarke’s mentality changed one night.

A number of their friends has headed up to Mecha for a night out.

They were celebrating Bellamy, who would soon be starting his first year teaching at Arkadia’s elementary school. 

The sun had long set before the night became significant for Clarke. 

It was the end of the night. She was on the train riding back to Arkadia with a very drunk Bellamy.

“Thanks for coming out tonight.” He slurred in the seat across from her. 

The carriage was empty outside of the two of them, but the loud noise of the train was enough to fill the space.

“Of course, Bell. We’re all really proud of you.”

“I mean thank _you_. Not them.”

Clarke was confused, but she chalked it up to him being drunk. 

Bellamy continued. “I always have the best time when you around. You’re my favorite person. Do you have the best time when I’m around?” 

Clarke looked at him. He was drunk. He wasn’t being serious. Still, her answer was genuine.

“Yeah.” 

“Of course you do. It’s cause were the best for each other.” 

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

She knew she shouldn’t read into it. She should ignore his drunk ramblings. But she couldn't. She felt it in the moment, just like she felt it back at that stadium. He cared about her in the same way she cared about him.

She was going to tell him. She was going to tell Bellamy Blake she was in love with him.

—

Some things are easier said than done. Clarke didn’t get around to telling Bellamy she loved him anytime soon after she had resolved in her mind that she would.

She still wanted to tell him, but she didn’t want to force the moment. She wanted it to be perfect.

One Thursday night her and Raven were in her living room. The TV was on, but neither of them were paying attention to it.

Clarke was on her laptop trying—failing—to write her latest report, while Raven complained about her day. 

Clarke sat in the corner of the L shaped couch, while Raven lay on her back on the longer portion of the couch.

“Okay, enough. I cant talk about myself anymore.” Raven complained, sitting up.

Clarke kept typing, unconcerned. “That’s a first.”

“Shut up.”

“You walked into that one.” Clarke pointed out.

“Whatever.” Raven conceded. “Anyways… have any decisions been made about the Bellamy situation?”

Clarke groaned loudly, closing her eyes and throwing her head back. 

She thought of a diplomatic answer that would shift the conversation to a safer topic. “No. I’m too busy with school and my gallery.”

Raven took the bait. “Any luck on some new paintings?”

“I think so?” Clarke said unsurely. “Its just hard to find motivation.”

“You could probably artistically motive yourself by doing something like, I don’t know, confessing your undying love to someone?” 

Clarke sent Raven a glare. “Not funny.”

“Sorry.” Raven said with a smirk, definitely not looking sorry.

“We need alcohol.” Clarke said. 

“And food.” Raven added. “I’m ordering Chinese.”

—

Clarke was halfway though her jog when her music suddenly turned into a loud ringing noise. She clearly forgot to turn her phone on do not disturb. She came to a halt in the middle of the woods and pulled her phone out of the band on her arm.

It was Bellamy. She swiped right to answer the call.

“Hey.” She said a bit out of breath. She began to slowly walk down the path, hands on her hips.

 “Hey.” Bellamy’s deep voice sounded through her earphones. “Is this a bad time?”

“No. I’m on a run, but I can talk for a minute.” 

“Alone again?” Bellamy question. The concern in his voice was clear. 

Clarke rolled her eyes.

Clarke spoke robotically, repeating an explanation she had given many times. “Bellamy, I have lived here my whole life. I am the most qualified person to say that no one is going to murder me here.”

“I know.” He said. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it. I still worry.”

Her mouth formed into a smile as she twirled the wire of her earphones between her fingers.

He was always caring for her. It was very endearing. It made it so much easier to love him. She really wished she could tell him that right now, a voice in her throat itched to say the words. But she definitely couldn’t. Not over the phone. She did need to do it some time soon, though. The next time they were alone together she would tell him, she vowed to herself. 

“Anyways, I was calling because I wanted to go out tonight.” He said. “Care to join?”

Okay, so apparently the next time Clarke would be alone with him was tonight.

“Yeah, I would. Any specific place?”

“Pike’s bar, downtown.” He responded. 

This was really happening. She was going to tell him tonight.

Pike’s bar wasn’t the more romantic spot, but Clarke could work with it. Maybe they would take a walk down the street. She could tell him under the stars at night.

“That works.” She said. “I’ll be there around eight.”

“Perfect. I wanted to get together tonight because there’s something I need to tell—“

Her phone began to buzz in her hand. Whatever he had been saying was forgotten in her mind.

“Bellamy. My Mom is calling, I need to take this. I’ll text you about tonight.”

“Yeah. See you tonight.” 

She ended her call with Bellamy and answered her Mom’s call. Anticipation tingled through her.

She was going to tell him tonight. She _had_ to tell him tonight.

—

The thing about Clarke is that she never really had to make the first move.

As cocky as it sounded, usually people were interested in her first. Then she decided whether she felt the same or not.

Figuring out how to confess her feeling to Bellamy was not something that came easy. 

Should she just say it outright? Should she ease into it? Should she even say the words, or play it cool until she figures out if he feels the same?

She figured that last one wasn’t an option. She needed to be up front with him. She could never enter a casual relationship with Bellamy, and she was not going to pretend she could. If she was telling him, she needed to tell him everything. That meant saying the words ‘I love you.’

That afternoon, she stood in front of her closet in a towel. She contemplated her options. She wanted to look nice, but anything too fancy would look completely out of place.

She decided on a tight but casual black dress, and grabbed a classy light blue jean jacket for when she would be outside.

When she was finished getting ready she gave herself one last check in the mirror. Then she grabbed a small clutch and headed out to her car.

The closer she got to the bar the faster her heart beat.

After parallel parking on the street, she grabbed the rearview mirror and angled it towards her face. She checked her makeup, then looked into her eyes.

Her lungs filled with air as she took a deep breath.

“I am in love with you Bellamy Blake.” She said confidently. Her mouth went dry. She almost hated how right it felt to say that out loud. Almost.

“You can do this.” She told herself.

Her phone buzzed where it lay in the passengers seat. It was a text from Bellamy.

**Bellamy 8:08 pm:** _You still coming?_

She rolled her eyes. She was barely ten minutes late.

**Clarke 8:08 pm:** _just parked_

She got out of her car and began walking towards the bar.

When she turned the street corner, she saw Bellamy waiting by the front doors for her.

He wasn’t doing anything spectacular, his attention belonged to the phone in his hands, but _wow_ did he look good.

He looked up as she neared and noticed her. His lips parted as he looked her up and down. Clarke smirked. His eyes moved up to meet hers.

“Hey.” He said with a warm tone.

The sun was setting and the sky was a faded blue. The color fell somewhere between the light of day and the dark of night.

“Hey.” She echoed back.

“Let’s head in.” He said, gesturing for her to go first.

He didn’t put his hand on her back like he had been doing lately. She didn’t read into it.

“We’re at the booth back there.” He said. His mouth was close to her ear when he spoke.

Shivers ran down her spine as she analyzed his words. We? She wondered. The question answered itself when the booth came into view.

Clarke’s heart sank a little.

Clarke saw who ‘we’ was. Raven seemed to be in deep conversation with Jasper. Miller rolled his eyes at something Monty said while Harper laughed out loud at the same thing.

God, she was so stupid. Of course he invited all their friends to the bar. Why did she assume he wanted to be alone with her?

Clarke squished herself into the booth next to Raven. Bellamy sat down next to her.

Once the initial shock and pain faded away, Clarke realized that this was okay. She could work with it. Nothing had to change. She could spend the entire night enjoying her time with Bellamy and all her friends. Then, towards the end of the night she could ask Bellamy to go on a walk with her. She would tell him then.

—

“I didn’t know I would fall.” Clarke defended herself. The table shook with laughter.

“That’s not even the worst part.” Raven said through laughs.

“Do tell.” Jasper chimed in.

“No. Do not tell.” Clarke warned Raven.

Raven smiled before opening her mouth. “Clarke had a huge crush on the worker who had to clean it all up.”

Bellamy cleared his throat next to Clarke.

She turned to Raven. “You’re a traitor. I’m never telling you anything ever again.”

“I’m sorry Clarke-y.” Raven tried to smother her into a hug, but Clarke pushed her away with a laugh. She wasn’t actually mad.

Clarke noticed Bellamy checking his phone. His leg bounced up and down incessantly.

He stood up abruptly and walked away without a word.

She briefly wondered what brought on the sudden behavior.

A minute later, she spotted him making his way back to the table. Her heart beat picked up when she noticed he wasn’t alone. There was a gorgeous brunette woman trailing behind him.

Clarke really hoped he wouldn’t try to take someone home tonight. She hoped this was just another one of those girls who followed him around until he spelt it out to them that he wasn’t interested. She hoped he wasn’t interested.

By the time he reached their booth, Clarke was panicking. She noticed his hand was attached to this woman’s, their fingers intertwined. She felt sick. Why would Bellamy be holding this girls hand?

“Hey. Guys.” He grabbed everyone’s attention. The girl stood beside him with a polite smile.

“I said I wanted to tell you all something tonight.” He continued.

Did he say that? _He did,_ she realized.

“And this is it.” His hand moved to wrap around the girls waist. “This is Gina. My girlfriend.”

To say Clarke’s heart stopped would be an understatement. It was honestly a miracle she didn’t cry out loud at the statement.

On the outside she seemed fine, but her heart broke beneath her skin. She could hear blood rushing in her ears.

There was a crushing pain in her chest. She was unresponsive as the voices around her rushed to introduce themselves.

Clarke felt a hand on her shoulder. She knew if she turned around she would meet Raven’s concerned eyes. But Clarke didn’t want to turn around. She didn’t want to face the truth.

Bellamy had a girlfriend. Bellamy was not in love with her.

—

“Another, please.” She asked Sterling.

Clarke had politely said hello to bellamy’s g—to Gina before heading over to the bar to drink her sorrows. It was painful even be at the bar, but she figured it would look rude if she left right when Gina showed up.

“How are you doing?” Raven asked, sitting on the stool next to Clarke.

Clarke looked back at the table. Bellamy was sitting next to Gina, his arm was slung around her shoulder and her had rested on his chest.

“This sucks.” She whispered in response to Raven.

“Yeah.” Raven agreed.

They stayed sitting at the bar while Clarke downed drink after drink. Raven tried to distract her, talking about her life. They both knew Clarke wasn’t into the conversation, but she was grateful for Raven’s attempt.

“What are you guys doing over here?” Bellamy’s voice came from behind them. Clarke’s shoulders stiffened instantly.

“Having a conversation.” Raven’s voice was dismissive.

“Why don’t you have a conversation at the booth where everyone else is?” Bellamy said accusatorially.

Clarke and Raven turned in their seats to look at him.

“Maybe we wanted to speak privately.” Raven bit back.

“Really?” Bellamy said. “Because it seems like you’re avoiding Gina. You guys spent the entire night at the booth and then moved over here the second she showed up.”

“Bellamy, we’re sorry.” Clarke began. “Raven and I were just talking. We weren’t trying to avoid Gina.”

Her name felt weird on Clarke’s tongue and the words pained her. But Bellamy was right. It wasn’t like he or Gina had done anything wrong. It certainly wasn’t Bellamys fault he wasn’t in love with her. It was Clarke’s own fault she got her hopes up.

“Well right now she’s wondering why my best friend seems to have zero interest in meeting her.” Bellamy said, clearly frustrated.

Clarke took offense to his words. She didn’t even know Gina existed until an hour ago. Obviously she wasn’t actively trying to take Gina’s feelings into account.

“Right now I’m wondering why my best friend didn’t even tell me he was going on dates, and then showed up with a girlfriend?” The alcohol allowed her words to flow without a filter.

“Is that seriously what this is about, Clarke? You’re mad because I didn’t tell you I was seeing someone?” His words were hard for Clarke to hear. Her heart broke a little more.

“Why don’t you just calm down, Blake.” Raven said.

“No, Raven. It’s okay.” Clarke said, hoping to diffuse the situation. “I’m sorry, Bellamy. You’re right. We’ll go back to the table. I was just a little blindsided. I wasn’t expecting you to bring a girlfriend here. It cause me by surprise. 

Bellamy misinterpreted her words.

“So you’re mad the night didn’t go the way you wanted?” He asked incredulously.

“No, of course not. I..” Clarke was speechless at his accusation. They didn’t fight like this anymore.

“That’s so typical of you.” He continued.

“Excuse me?”

“You can’t be happy for me. Everything has to be going the way you want it, and when it doesn’t you throw a fit for attention.”

There was a sting behind her eyes. She knew he was angry, but she couldn’t help but wonder if he really believed those words.

“You’re the one coming over here and making a scene because I didn’t react to your news the way you wanted.” She threw back.

“Seriously? You think I‘m the problem here? God, you’re such a piece of work, Clarke. With the way you act sometimes I wonder why I even bother being friends with you.”

Clarke’s face fell. There was a deep pain in her stomach last his words. Of course he wasn’t in love with her. He barely even wanted her as a friend, apparently. Clarke felt a singular tear slip down her cheek, but she wiped it away quickly.

“Clarke—“ He had the decency to sound apologetic.

“God, what’s wrong with you?” Raven cut him off.

“Raven, it’s fine.” Clarke said. She just wanted this conversation to be over with.

Raven turned to Clarke. “No, it’s not. He can’t just say those things to you.”

“Clarke—“ Bellamy started again.

“Let’s just not tonight.” Clarke spoke tiredly. “Go back to your girlfriend. I’m gonna head home. Tell Gina I’m sorry I didn’t get to speak with her more.”

She turned to walk away, but he grabbed her arm and spoke. “You’ve been drinking, you shouldn’t drive.”

Clarke closed her eyes in frustration. She pulled her arm out of his grasp. “Thank you for letting me know that, but I can figure these things out on my own. Raven already decided she was taking me home.”

Bellamy looked over at Raven, whose keys were dangling from her fingers. One of her eyebrows was raised at him.

“Tell the others we said bye.” Clarke said before walking past him and out of the bar.

—

As Clarke sat in Raven’s car she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the cool window.

Her emotions had exhausted her.

She was frustrated with herself. She shouldn’t have allowed herself to get so excited, so full of hope. She should have protected her heart. She should have never fallen in love with Bellamy in the first place.

She desired so strongly for someone to care for her. But that was wrong. Deep down, she knew that everyone who loved her left. 

Her mind drifted to what Bellamy said to her. Sure, he was mad. But he wouldn’t have said what he said if the thought was never in his mind. Maybe what he said was true. Maybe she was a bad friend. A better friend wouldn’t have fallen in love with him in the first place. Maybe he was better off without her.

She felt consumed by loneliness.

Clarke craved her fathers embrace, his warm heart, his kind words. His confidence in her. His love for her. She wondered if she would ever feel a love that strong again. For a while she thought she felt that in Bellamy, but it was clear she misread things.

The car ride was silent save for the light patter of rain on the windshield. She preferred it that way.

—

Clarke woke up the next day feeling better.

Her heart still hurt, her limbs still felt heavy, and she was still mad at Bellamy for the things he said. Strangely though, she was glad he brought Gina to the bar. If he didn’t Clare would have confessed her feelings to him and that would have been awkward since he clearly didn’t feel the same.

This way, she knew without having to say anything. She saved herself some embarrassment and a bit of heartache.

Clarke reached her hand over to Raven’s nightstand and grabbed her phone.

The number of messages were overwhelming. Simply looking at the icon gave Clarke a headache.

She had a few texts from Harper, saying she wanted to try out some new restaurant a few towns over. Jasper texted asking for her ‘artist expertise’ on which photo to post on Instagram. Wells asked if she could stop by on Friday.

And then there was Bellamy.

She had three missed calls from him last night. One voicemail. A handful of texts.

She listened to the voicemail first.

“Hey, Clarke.” His voice was slurred. “You’re not answering your phone. I know you’re probably asleep. I…” His voice trailed off for a second. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry and I would like to talk more about it when I’m sober but just know for now that I didn’t mean what I said and it was stupid of me… I cant stand that I hurt you. I—“

“Bellamy?” A female voice in the background cut him off. It was probably Gina. “You ready to head out?”

“Yeah. Just give me a second.” He paused. “I gotta go, Clarke. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

The voicemail clicked off. She checked his texts.

**Bellamy 11:08 pm:** _I’m sorry._

**Bellamy 11:10 pm:** _text me if you made it home please_

**Bellamy 11:15 pm:** _Is everything okay? You should be back home by now._

**Bellamy 11:20 pm:** _Raven just texted me. Said you’re asleep at hers. I’ll stop bothering you now._

**Bellamy 12:01 am:** _I’m sorry._

It was radio silence from him that morning.

—

As the day went on, Clarke still didn’t hear anything from Bellamy. She was disappointed.

She knew she would forgive him if he asked, but she wanted him to make the first move.

She tried not to wonder if he was spending his day with Gina. Or if he went home with her last night. He was probably too distracted with his girlfriend to worry about his fight with Clarke.

That evening, she was about to give in and text him first when she heard a knock echo throughout her house.

She got up and opened the door. Bellamy stood there, raincoat plastered to his body.

They stared at each other for a moment.

Bellamy opened his mouth. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She said in response, purposefully not opening the door and inviting him in.

He swallowed. “I’m sorry about what I saiid. I was mad. I didn’t mean any of it.”

Clarke looked at him. His eyes were so earnest. God, she loved him. She loved him and he had a girlfriend, but he was still here apologizing to her so he obviously still cared about her. 

“It’s okay, Bellamy. I’m honestly not mad. It was a stupid fight anyways.”

“So you forgive me?” He asked.

“I’ve forgiven you for a lot worse.” She joked.

They stood there for a moment with smile on their faces, both relived that they were going to be okay.

“So…” He started. “What are you doing tonight?”

Her heartbeat picked up.

“Nothing really.” She answered. “Cooking dinner, watching TV. The usual routine. 

“Dinner sounds great right now. I’ve barely eaten all day, I’m starved.” He fished for an invite.

She laughed before opening the door wide and gesturing for him to enter.

“Get in, you dork.”

He laughed back. Clarke loved that sound.

—

Clarke woke the next morning with a creak in her neck.

Her sleepy brain slowly realized she had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV with Bellamy.

The heat below her felt like a furnace. It was only when that furnace began to move that she realized it was Bellamy she had been stealing warmth from. He lay next to her, his limbs tangled with hers.

Normally, Clarke wouldn’t have thought twice about something like this happening. But things were different now. Bellamy had a girlfriend.

She couldn’t help but wonder if Gina would be okay with Bellamy spending the night on the couch with Clarke.

—

Things didn’t change as dramatically as Clarke might have believed after that night she met Gina.

Bellamy seemed happy, which is all Clarke really wanted.

Clarke always made it a point to be kind to Gina whenever she was around, not wanting to upset Bellamy.

It hurt seeing them together. She had to look away when they would kiss and suppress a sting in her stomach when they touched.

She found herself making excuses not to hang out if she knew Gina and Bellamy would be around. She didn’t have the energy to deal with the emotions that came after seeing them together.

Gina was a nice person. She was around Bellamy’s age. She was kind and mature and mild tempered and a lot of things Clarke wasn’t.

Clarke tried to not make comparisons between herself and Gina, but at times she couldn’t help herself. She dangerously wondered what Bellamy saw in Gina that he didn’t see in Clarke.

—

Wells had a five day break from class towards the end of October and he decided to spend it with Clarke. She was more than glad to have his company. Wells and her grew up together. They would always share a closeness from that.

When she picked him up at the train station, he wrapped her in a large hug. Clarke found great comfort in it. It wasn’t that they never saw each other—he only lived an hours drive away in Mecha, and Clarke was up there every Friday—but they never got to spend quality time together.

He placed his bags in the back of her car and they headed off towards Clarke’s house.

“What’s on the agenda?” He asked as he struggled to get his seatbelt on.

“Tonight? Jasper invited all of us to go bowling.” Clarke said. “Which is going to be a disaster for me. I’m sure you’ll impress everyone, though.”

Wells was a natural at sports. Actually, he was a natural at most things. Clarke envied that.

“Not everyone…” Wells said. She knew where his thoughts were.

“Bellamy doesn’t hate you, Wells. He just hasn’t spent any time with you and he’s not great with first impressions. It takes him a while to warm up to people.”

That wasn’t necessarily true. Bellamy was well liked and he was great with people. Something about Wells made Bellamy instantly dislike him. She suspected it was for the same reason he hated Clarke as first—wealth and status.

It was actually comical to watch Wells at Bellamy go at it in the past. Wells was a big guy, over six foot and muscular, but he was so soft on the inside that he didn’t have any of the intimidation that might normally come with his stature. Bellamy was much smaller in comparison to Wells. He, however, was all harsh lines when he wanted to be.

—

Clarke and Wells got to the bowling alley at the same time as Bellamy.

“Hey.” She said to him when they met up at the front entrance.

“Hey.” Bellamy smiled back. “Wells.”

Bellamy titled his head in a nod.

“Bellamy.” Wells said. He held his hand out in front of him. Bellamy took it and they shared a firm shake. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“I didn’t know you were in the area.” Bellamy said, his voice deep.

“I’m staying with Clarke for the weekend.” Wells explained.

Bellamy’s jaw ticked.

“Where’s Gina?” Clarke asked, desperate to get away from their stiff conversation.

“She’s having dinner with her parents.” Bellamy explained.

“Tell her we missed her.” The words felt forced as they came out of Clarke’s mouth.

The three walked inside in unison.

Bellamy placed his hand just below her shoulder blades as they walked towards the front counter. Clarke’s muscles tensed at the touch.

“I can get your shoes for you, Clarke.” Wells told her. He walked up to the counter, leaving Clarke alone with Bellamy. 

She turned to Bellamy. He looked vaguely annoyed, though she wasn’t sure why. 

“I feel like I haven’t spent time with you in forever.” He said.

She got what he was saying. It was partially her fault. She wasn’t actively avoiding him, but wasn’t trying to hang out with him either. It made her miss him.

“We’ve both been busy.” She said. It was only half of a lie.

“We should pick a day next week to hang out. Just the two of us.”

She blushed. That was everything she wanted.

“Yeah. We should.”

Wells approached then and handed Clarke her shoes. Bellamy left the two of them to go pay.

As the night went on Clarke learned she was bad at bowling. It didn’t pair well with her competitive side.

Raven stayed in first place on the scoreboard. Bellamy and Wells fought for second.

—

“Everything you’re doing is wrong.” Wells told her as she stood in front of the lane, ball in hand.

She let out a sigh.

“Let me show you.” He said. “You need a heavier ball.”

Wells grabbed her a new ball and placed it in her hands. She looped her fingers into the holes and he positioned himself behind her.

He was much larger than her, so he engulfed her completely. His right hand wrapped around her wrist. He pulled her arm back.

“Like this.” He instructed as he gently swung her arm back and forth. “You want it to be about the motion. Swing your arm back and let the weight of the ball pull itself forward. All you have to do is guide it towards the middle of the lane.”

He stepped back.

“Go on. Try it.” He told her.

She eyed him suspiciously, not fully convinced that there would be a difference in her game. Regardless of her disbelief, she stepped forward to give his technique a try.

When she let go of the ball she watched it actually head toward pins, rather than straight for the gutter. Seven pins got knocked down. She let out a surprised laugh.

“Nice.” Wells exclaimed behind her. She turned around and have him a hi-five with both of her hands.

“See that Wells? That’s how its done.” She jokingly told him.

She looked to see if any of her friends had seen her accomplishment and noticed Bellamy’s eyes on her, but he wasn’t smiling. It almost looked like he was scowling.

“A simple ‘thank you’ would suffice.” Wells joked back.

She turned around to finish her turn and knocked down a total of two more pins(a record for her).

It was Monty’s turn next. When Clarke went to sit all the seats were taken.

With no desire to stand, she planted herself sideways on Wells’ lap. Her arm curved behind his neck and rested on his shoulder. His hand laid her knee.

Clarke looked over to see Bellamy crossing his arms staring angrily at the floor. She wondered why he was so upset. She would have to ask him about it later.

“Are you two together?” Bryan asked.

Bryan worked with Miller. He had only recently started hanging out with them, so he wasn’t aware of Clarke and Wells past.

“God, no.” Clarke replied while Wells chuckled.

“We grew up together.” Wells explained.

“You two do look pretty cozy.” Raven teased.

Clarke realized it may seem strange to some, but her and Wells had always had a casual intimacy. There was nothing romantic behind it. It was purely platonic.

“I could see you two as a couple.” Harper added.

Clarke shook her head.

Miller stood up for his turn and Monty took his seat.

“What are we talking about?” Monty asked.

“How Clarke and Wells would make a cute couple.” Raven answered.

Clarke sent a glare to Raven. She should know better than this.

“Ooh, you two would make some pretty cute babies.” Jasper jumped in on the teasing. 

Clarke groaned and buried her head in Wells shoulder.

—

On Wells’ last night staying with Clarke, Raven hosted game night at her place.

When they got to Raven’s front door, they walked straight in and took their coats off.

Loud shouts erupted from the living room. Wells walked off towards the voices, while Clarke headed to the kitchen to make a few drinks.

In the enyryway, she noticed Bellamy was already in the kitchen making drinks on Raven’s island countertop.

She hated that relief rushed through her at the sight of him. She wasn’t supposed to feel that way. She was supposed to be moving on.

“Can I get two of those?” She requested, announcing her presence.

He looked back from where he was standing and smiled.

“The princess demands, she shall receive.” 

She walked in and leaned against the counter behind him, watching him work.

“I did not demand. I asked. There’s a difference.”

“If you say so.” She could hear the smirk in his voice.

They never finished their conversation about hanging out at the bowling alley. Bellamy had left quickly when the game finished and Clarke had been busy entertaining Wells ever since. But she desperately wanted to spend time with him.

She nervously picked at a seam in her skirt. It was never this hard before. “I’ve been looking at the weather forecast and next Saturday looks like its gonna be clear.”

“We should go for a hike.” He said, pouring another cup. He must have been reading her mind.

“That’s what I was thinking.” She took a deep breath and gathered courage, watching the ceiling intently. “I was also thinking it could be just the two of us.”

“That’d be great.” He said.

He turned around and walked directly in front of her. Her breathing stilled. He smelt wonderful.

His hand reached towards her face and Clarke froze in panic. But it didn’t stop there, it moved behind her shoulder. When he pulled it back there was a lime firmly secured in his grip. He walked back to the island.

She let out a flustered breath.

“Yeah, um, I’ll text you about the hike.” She stammered.

Before she could embarrass herself more she grabbed two of the finished drinks and walked towards the living room.

—

Clarke felt well rested when she woke up on Saturday. Not even the blaring alarm emanating from her phone could kill her mood.

She snuggled into the warmth of her blankets for a second before reluctantly getting up to shower.

Bellamy and her had made plans to go on a hike. He was going to pick her up at eight.

She was excited to spend the day with him. She may have still been in love with him, and it hurt a little to be around him, but she loved him as her best friends too. She wanted to be around him, even if it was in a platonic sense.

When Clarke was ready to go at five before eight, she crashed on her couch downstairs and waited for him.

Her excitement quickly turned to nervousness as time wore on.

Ten minutes after he was supposed to arrive, she started to wonder if she should text him. When another ten minutes past she grabbed her phone 

**Clarke 8:20 am:** _ETA?_

After ten more minutes she sent another text.

**Clarke 8:30 am:** _Are you still coming?_

**Clarke 8:30 am:** _Hello??_

**Clarke 8:31 am:** _I’m literally just waiting on you… Are you even awake?_

She tried calling him, but it went to voicemail.

She was annoyed and frustrated. She wanted to let it go, but she was so disappointed.

Twenty more minutes went by before she grabbed her car keys and ran out her door.

—

When she pulled into his driveway, his car was sitting in its usual spot. She briefly considered leaving, but she couldn’t resist the unreasonable desire to confront him.

She parked her car and walked up his steps onto his front porch. Fist raised, she knocked on his door a few times.

The door flung open, but it wasn’t Bellamy on the other side.

Gina stood in front of Clarke with messy hair and sleepy eyes.

Clarke’s face fell. In hindsight, she should have known this was a possibility.

The deeper heartbreak came after Clarke’s initial shock when her eyes trailed south.

Gina wore nothing but Bellamy’s shirt. The shirt was navy blue and on it was a moose waving with a baseball bat in his hand.

Clarke recognized the shirt. It was the one Bellamy wore when she realized she was in love with him.

She couldn’t look at it any longer, she shifted her eyes to a spot on the doorframe.

“Clarke, hi.” Gina sounded surprised to see her. “How are you doing?”

"Good.” Clarke wanted nothing other than to leave. She shouldn’t have come here. “Is Bellamy up?”

“No, sorry. He’s sleeping.” Gina said. “We had a pretty late night.”

It was a miracle Clarke kept the tears of frustration in.

“Right. I’ll catch him another time.”

“I’ll tell him you stopped by.” Gina said kindly. The door shut.

Clarke turned around and walked back to her car.

She really wished she wasn’t crying, but the tears worked their way out in a steady stream down her cheeks.

Bellamy seemed so excited to spend time with her and then ditched her.

But that wasn’t the worst of it. That was just frustrating. That was just him being a bad friend.

Seeing Gina in that shirt was the part that had caused her heart to breal all over again.

Sometimes Clarke wished she had told Bellamy the truth about how she felt when she figured it out. She knew telling him wouldn’t have changed how he felt, but her secret was a burden. She didn’t want to bear it anymore.

Things may have been worse if she told him, but at least she wouldn’t be forced to carry her secret every day.

When Clarke got home she went straight to her studio room and painted her feelings. Every stroke was untamed and ugly, but she saw a beauty in it.

As she sat in front of a newly finished painting, she became aware of her surroundings again. A soft buzz sounded from across the room. She should ignore it. She should stay where she is. But the small possibility that it was Bellamy was too strong of a pull to resist.

Her curiosity got the best of her as she walked across the room and took her phone into her hands.

**Bellamy 10:14 am:** _Clarke_

**Bellamy 10:14 am:** _God_

**Bellamy 10:15 am:** _I’m sorry_

**Bellamy 10:15 am:** _I’m so sorry._

**Bellamy 10:18 am:** _Gina said you stopped by... why didn’t you wake me up?_

**Bellamy 10:20 am:** _I got home late last night. I forgot to set my alarm._

**Bellamy 10:21 am:** _We could still head up and do a shorter hike._

Clarke scoffed. She wasn’t interested in being around him today.

**Clarke 10:24 am:** _Not really feeling it anymore._

His response came quick.

**Bellamy 10:25 am:** _you’re mad_

**Bellamy 10:25 am:** _I mean of course you’re mad. you have every right to be mad._

**Bellamy 10:26 am:** _let me make it up to you_

She was tempted to say yes. But she remembered this morning. The pain she felt. It still hurt. She needed some space to ensure she wouldn’t get hurt again.

So she responded.

**Clarke 10:30 am:** _Its fine Bellamy. I’ll see you whenever._

She put her phone on do not disturb and walked back to her canvas.

—

Thursday afternoon Clarke was pushing a cart down a colorful aisle at the grocery store.

She came to a halt in front of the bread. Staring intently, she tried to decide if she wanted white or whole wheat.

“We both know you’re gonna choose white.” A deep voice came from behind her. She really missed that voice.

She hadn’t seen or heard from him since Saturday, mostly because of her personal choice to avoid him.

“Bellamy.” She turned around to find him towering close to her. His overwhelming presence distracted her. “W-what are you doing here?” 

He gave her a _use you brain_ look.

“At the grocery store? Grocery shopping.” He responded with a tentative smile.

Clarke shifted her eyes to the floor before speaking again.

“Well.” She said. “See you around, I guess.”

She tossed a loaf of white bread into her cart and turned to leave, but a firm calloused hand wrapped itself around her wrist, restraining her from leaving.

“Is it really gonna be like this with us?” His voice was rough.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She did.

He let out an annoyed huff. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there on Saturday.”

“It’s fine, Bellamy. It happened. I’m not mad.” _I just felt completely and utterly forgotten by the man I’m in love with._

His hand released her wrist and slid through his hair.

“If you’re not mad then why are you treating me like this?”

“Like what?” She asked.

“Like a stranger. Like someone you barely know.”

_Because I need to protect my heart._

“I’m not doing it on purpose. I’ve just been annoyed. But I’m fine now.”

“Okay.” He accepted her explanation. “I really am sorry.”

“I know. I just…” She trailed off, unsure if she should let out a small portion of honesty.

“Clarke? Talk to me.”

She shift her gaze to the floor. “Sometimes I feel like you’re moving on with your life and you don’t need me in it anymore.”

When she looked up at him his eyebrows were drawn deeply.

“God, I’m sorry.” She started. “That sounded so stupid and needy. Please forget I said anything.”

She wanted to leave. Her cheeks flamed in embarrassment.

“No, Clarke. It wasn’t stupid. I've been a bad friend lately, and I hate that I made you feel that way.”

“It’s not your fault—“

“Just let me finish. You’re my best friend, but you’re so much more than that. No one could ever replace you in my life. No person will ever be what you are to me. Trust me.”

She nodded her head in silence, afraid that if she spoke his words would become untrue.

He continued. “I was bummed we didn’t get to hike on Saturday. I miss you. We should hang out soon.”

She should say no. She was supposed to be falling out of love with him and every second with him made that more and more impossible. But she’s never been able to look into his eyes and tell him no.

“How about tonight?” She questioned hopefully.

His face fell.

“Gina’s at home waiting for me. I’m making dinner.” He gestured towards the food in his cart.

Right. That was why she was supposed to be distancing herself. She felt the familiar sting in her gut.

“Right, sorry. Another time.” She said.

She grabbed her cart, ready to walk off again, but he spoke faster.

“Wait.” He moved in front of her pathway. “Tomorrow?”

She shouldn’t. She’s gonna.

“Sure. I’m free.”

—

They ended up seeing the latest Marvel movie in the theaters.

The movie was good, but the warmth of Bellamy sitting next to her was even better.

—

As time went, on Clarke’s life got even busier. She put great value in any down time she had.

On one night she had off, she was relaxing on her couch with Bellamy. She had done a terrible job at spending less time with him. They were closer than ever before.

She looked over at him. His eyes were closed and his head rested on her cushion. He had fallen asleep.

“Bell.” She whispered.

“Huh?” His opened his eyes and then immediately squinted them. “I guess I fell asleep.”

“It’s barely past eleven, you’re getting pretty old.” She teased him.

“When you turn twenty-seven you’ll understand.”

“I guess it’ll be a while then, cause I am nowhere near that old.” She poked his stomach.

He batted her hand away. “Alright, alright. We get it, I’m cradle-robbing this friendship.”

She laughed out loud. “That’s one way to put it.”

He sighed. “I have to be up early tomorrow. I should probably head out.”

“I’ll see you Friday.” She said.

He looked at her with sleepy eyes and a soft smile. Their faces were close, she could count every last freckle on his cheeks.

“It’s the day of my gallery.” She explained.

“I know what it is, Princess. I’ve had it in my calendar since the day you found out. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

She felt a warmth growing inside her.

He looked into her eyes and his smile slowly faded. His eyes shifted briefly down to her mouth. She felt her face pull itself closer to his. Her eyes drifted shut and—

He cleared his throat and stood up. Tears of frustration built beneath her eyes.

He had a girlfriend. She must have imagined the moment. He had a girlfriend.

“What time are you heading up on Friday?” He asked as he pulled his coat on, completely ignoring whatever just happened.

She must have imagined it.

“I’m staying with Wells on Thursday.” That way she wouldn’t have to worry about driving up early on Friday.

“Smart. I’ll see you Friday afternoon.”

“Bye.” She said softly as he opened her front door.

She let out a deep sigh when the door closed.

She wanted to scream.

—

Friday was non-stop work for Clarke. She spent the entire day setting up the gallery and consulting with her professor. There was no downtime.

If it wasn’t for Wells’ insistence, she probably wouldn’t have eaten all day.

Everything went smoothly and without hiccup. This helped ease Clarke’s stress.

Moments before the doors were opened Clarke stood alone and looked at the empty gallery. For the first time in a long time, she felt simply happy.

At seven the doors opened. Clarke wasn’t surprised to find Raven and Wells standing outside. Raven handed her a bouquet of flowers before they both surrounded her with a hug.

She was a little surprised Bellamy wasn’t already there. She wasn’t too worried, though. He would be there. He wouldn’t miss it for the world—his words.

Random college students slowly trickled in.

Half an hour later Jasper and Monty came in, both offering warm hugs and words of encouragement.

After another half hour Milled showed up with Bryan.

Harper walked in fifteen minutes after that.

Bellamy didn’t.

—

The gallery had a steady stream of people flowing in and out through the night. Clarke did her best to mingle.

She was surprised to see how many of her friends came to it. The support was overwhelming.

She tried her best to enjoy the atmosphere, the fulfillment of a dream, but there was a sting every time another minute passed and Bellamy still wasn’t there. Her hope and confidence in him was slowly diminishing into nothingness.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and her heart rate spiked. She turned around to meet Raven’s face.

“This is amazing.” Raven told her with a glass of champagne dangling from her hand.

Clarke smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“So Blake is a no-show, huh?” Raven asked.

“Yeah. It kinda sucks.”

Raven looked contemplative. “You’ve wanted this for so long. Don’t let him take this happiness away from you.”

“I know. I’m trying not to think about it.”

“I’m serious. Forget him, make tonight count.”

Raven walked off.

Clarke made a decision. She would send him one text and then forget about it.

She walked back into an empty hallway. The click of her heels on the floor echoed. She pulled her phone out of her clutch.

**Clarke 8:57 pm:** _Are you coming?_

She put her phone away and walked back into the gallery with a smile. She didn’t need Bellamy there to enjoy herself. She could worry about him later. Be mad at him later. Right now, she needed to treasure the moment.

—

As the hour went on Clarke’s resolve to forget Bellamy failed more and more. She grew increasingly anxious. No matter where she was in the room, her eyes would always find the entryway. She was always disappointed when Bellamy wasn’t standing there.

When the venue closed down Clarke felt vaguely like she wanted to throw up.

The night was a huge success. Many people showed and the feedback was more positive than Clarke could have ever imagined. So why did she feel like she just had the worst night of her life?

She knew why.

Raven walked up to Clarke as they finished packing everything up.

“You have to come.” Raven told her. Everyone was going out for drinks and Raven had been pushing Clarke to join.

“I’m not feeling it.”

Raven sighed. “You can't let your night be ruined just because Bellamy wasn’t here. Please come get drinks with us.”

“Fine.” Clarke conceded.

Raven’s smile covered her face.

—

Clarke woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. She took in her surroundings and realized she was on Wells’ stiff couch.

She shouldn’t have gone out drinking last night. She could barely even remember what happened, but she did remember drinking her sorrows. She had a lot of sorrows. She hoped she didn’t drunk call Bellamy.

She grabbed her phone to check her call list, but it wouldn’t turn on. Great, it was dead. Apparently drunk Clarke wasn’t all that concerned with plugging her phone in before she passed out.

Clarke just wanted to sleep for a day in her own bed, so she took a quick shower and then left a note for a sleeping Wells. She ran by a coffee shop before starting her commute home.

—

When she pulled into her driveway there was a car already sitting there. It was Bellamy’s.

She quickly scanned for him. He was sitting on the front porch. His hair was everywhere.

She turned her car off and took a deep breath before stepping out of her car.

She walked up her steps. He watched her approach in silence. She noticed his eyes were bloodshot. He was either stressed or sleep deprived. Or both.

She walked straight past him and unlocked her front door.

“Clarke.” He called behind her. Her hand stilled on the door handle. She heard him stand up behind her.

“Did something happen?” She asked, her back still to him.

“What?” He asked.

She turned around. She wanted to look into his eyes when he answered. She wanted him to look into her eyes and see the pain and anger.

“Did something happen yesterday that was so horrible that it would justify you not being there. That I could forgive you without being mad?”

“Clarke.” He started, his voice breaking.

She cut him off. “Where were you, Bellamy?”

“Gina and I. We had a fight yesterday afternoon.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. Of course that’s why he wasn’t there.

“My condolences.” She threw at him sarcastically. She couldn’t do this.

She turned back around and walked straight into her house, throwing the door shut behind her. But his hand caught the door and he followed her inside.

“Get out of my house, Bellamy.”

“Clarke. At least let me explain. Please.” He begged.

A lone tear ran down her face. She was beginning to feel numb.

He tried to grab her hand but she pulled it away. His face looked pained. He ran his hands through his hair.

“Just say what you need to say.” Her shoulders sagged. The conversation was exhausting her.

“We had a fight. I was angry and I wasn’t thinking. I went straight to the bar. And I guess I got really drunk. I don’t remember a lot. I passed out.”

She nodded along with his story, but her eyes were on the floor. She couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. It hurt too much.

He continued. “When I woke up it was late. I didn’t even realize it was the day of your gallery until I checked my messages and saw you texted me. And then it all hit me and I was calling you but you weren’t picking up.”

When he stopped speaking, the silence was deafening.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She whispered.

“Nothing. You don’t have to say anything. I just—how can I make this better?”

His voice was so earnest. She wanted to let it go, to give him the peace of mind that he maybe deserved. But it hurt too much. She needed him to know how much he let her down.

“I think I need to take a break from us.” She said, her voice a bit more confident than it was a few seconds ago.

“What?” He sounded completely shocked. “That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?”

“No, Bellamy, you don’t understand—“

“Of course I don’t understand. Do you even hear yourself?” His voice turned dark. “How could you even say that?”

“You think this is easy for me? This is killing me. But last night was a wake up call.”

She gave him a second to respond, but he stayed silent so she continued.

“I just—“ This was so hard. “My happiness was so dependent whether you showed up or not. My night was miserable because you weren’t there. And I don’t think thats healthy anymore. Especially since it seems like I can rely on you less and less these days.”

His anger was rekindled with her last words.

“I’m always there for you. I make a few mistakes and suddenly you want to throw away everything we have? What does that say about you?” He shouted.

“I don’t _want_ to throw it away. I don’t want you out of my life. I just need time to be less dependent on you, and I can’t do that if I let things go back to the way it was.”

“You don’t get to make decisions like this out of nowhere. I need you, Clarke.”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. Her next words came out as a whisper.

“Yeah, well, I needed you last night. And you weren’t there.”

Bellamy turned around and started pacing. He took harsh breaths.

He was pissed, she could tell. He grabbed her open door and slammed it shut. Clarke flinched at the sound.

Tears welled up in her eyes. It pained her to see him like this.

When he spoke again his words came out as a plea. “Please don’t do this.”

“I have to.”

“Why?” he demanded, his voice livid again.

“Because I love you.” She shouted back. Her words surprised her. She hadn’t meant to say that. But she did, and there was no going back. “I am in love with you, Bellamy.”

He looked completely shocked. She gave him a second to say something. Anything. But he stayed silent. His eyes shifted to the floor and he shook his head a little.

Any last piece of hope she might have had left in her disappeared, leaving only crushing heartbreak.

“Clarke. I have a girlfriend…” He began.

She couldn’t breathe. Her tears flowed heavily without her permission.

Her voice was uneven when she spoke. “Right, I know. I’m sorry, I just—I’m in love with you. And I can’t stop, no matter how hard I try. I’m sorry if you have to suffer a little because I cant keep my feelings in check. It’s really not your fault. But I can’t keep going on like this. I need space.”

She refused to meet his eyes.

“Please just leave.” She whispered.

She controlled herself when she heard his footsteps pounding on her hardwood.

She didn’t make a sound as the door creaked open.

But the moment she heard it shut she collapsed onto her floor and sobbed.

 


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The temperature outside was low, but her body was on fire.
> 
> 'What are you doing here, Bellamy?'
> 
> She couldn’t look at him."
> 
> Clarke is moving on from Bellamy until she isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part two. I decided to break it up into three parts for a few reasons. Enjoy.

_I have a girlfriend._

The words echoed through Clarke’s brain as she pulled another dress off the rack. This one was cute. Navy blue; casual but not too casual; short but not too short.

_Please don’t do this._

_I have to._

She had to.

Clarke dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand. She needed to stop thinking.

Noticing a woman with a name tag standing near a wall, she approached.

“Can I get a dressing room?” Clarke asked, dresses draped over her forearm.

The woman’s dark red lips formed into a tight professional smile.

“Of course. Follow me.”

Clarke walked after her. She tried to distract herself by focusing on the white tiles below her feet. It didn’t work.

_Please just leave._

And he did.

Three weeks ago Bellamy granted Clarke’s wish and left her home. She hadn’t heard from him since.

Three weeks of Clarke obsessively replaying that night in her head.

Three weeks without Bellamy.

“Here you are, Dear.” The woman’s voice broke Clarke out of her trance.

Clarke smiled appreciatively. “Thank you.”

As the woman walked away Clarke inhaled a whiff of her overpowering perfume. Her head pulsed as a headache built.

A soft sigh escaped Clarke’s lips when the door clicked shut. Solitude was comforting to Clarke, and the sensory overload of Mecha’s super mall was anything but solitary.

She turned around and hung the dresses on the rack.

It was not ordinary for Clarke to willingly spend time in the mall. The conglomerate of stores and the crowds it brought were the epitome of the fast paced and busy life that Clarke did her best to avoid. She much preferred to stick to online shopping and smaller shops in Arkadia.

However, she had agreed to go on a last minute date and nothing in her closet was date appropriate. The mall was her only choice.

After undressing, she slipped into the navy blue dress.

It looked nice. The style fit her figure. She wasn’t obsessed with it, but it would do just fine.

The next one she tried on was a burgundy suede dress. It looked gorgeous, Clarke thought, but it was too festive for a date.

She maneuvered her arms to undo the zipper, and pulled on the next one. It was a yellow flowy floral dress with a drawstring waist. If it were summer she’d wear it in a heartbeat. But it was almost winter, so it wouldn’t work

Clarke took the dress off and changed back into her jeans and sweater.

She grabbed the navy blue dress and walked straight towards the register.

—

Clarke was not excited for her date. She had to actively resist the urge to bite her fingernails every time she thought about it.

If she was being honest, she had almost zero interest in the guy she was going out with. Her only hope for the date was to push forward her agenda of getting over Bellamy, which she realized wasn’t the best reason to go out with someone.

She didn’t want to use anyone, but it was just a date. It wasn’t like she was promising her hand in marriage.

Whichever way she spun it in her head, she knew she had to try. Bellamy had left that night and he hadn’t come back. It hurt, but it was what she needed. He wasn’t in love with her and she to move on.

—

Warm water rushed from the faucet. Clarke squeezed a dollop of soap onto her sponge.

She started vigorously scraping at a stain on the plate in her hands when her phone rung on the countertop.

Quickly, she turned the water off and dried her hands. Grabbing the phone, she swiped right and secured it between her ear and her shoulder.

“Hello?” She said.

“Hey, babe.” Raven’s said through her phone. “I was wondering if you could bring drinks tonight.”

“Tonight?” Clarke asked leaning her hip against her counter.

“Game night at my place.” Raven explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Oh. I won’t be there.”

“You have to come. You haven’t been out with us in weeks.”

It was true that Clarke had been avoiding going out with her friends. She couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Bellamy and pretending like she wasn’t miserable. Even worse, if Gina was there. Clarke would be horrified.

“I can’t tonight.” Clarke said honestly. At least she had a legitimate excuse this time.

Raven sighed loudly. “It’s not fair that you have to stop coming out with us just because you had a fight with Bellamy.”

“That’s not why I can’t go out tonight.” Clarke tried to explain.

“Don’t lie to me, Griffin.” Raven paused. “Listen, I don’t know if I should say this…” Raven’s words came to a halt.

Clarke waited a moment.

“Now you have to say it.” Clarke half joked.

“I haven’t seen Gina in weeks. I think they broke up.”

Clarke’s attention was grabbed, her hands tightened nervously around the dish towel.

It shouldn’t matter. Even with the chance that they weren’t together anymore, it wasn’t like Bellamy had come running to Clarke confessing his love. Clarke wouldn’t give into false hope when she knew the truth; Bellamy only saw her as a friend.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m not avoiding Bellamy. I have a date tonight.” Clarke said.

She heard Raven gasp on the other side of the phone. Clarke rolled her eyes endearingly at the dramatic reaction.

“Oh my god, with who?”

“You remember that guy you introduced me to when we got drinks a few months ago in Mecha?” Clarke asked.

“Finn? Finn Collins?”

Clarke had only met Finn in person once. But ever since they spoke, he had taken every opportunity to reach out to Clarke; he responded to nearly every story she posted in Instagram, texted her at least once every few weeks.

Clarke had always shut him down because she wasn’t interested at the time. But when he got bold a few days ago and asked her out, there was nothing stopping her from saying yes.

“Yeah. That guy.”

“You know him and I used to date, right?”

Clarke almost got whiplash from how fast she raised her head. This was news to her.

“No, I didn’t. I’m so sorry. I’ll cancel the date right now. I honestly had no—“

“No, Clarke, it’s okay. What was between me and him is in the past. It doesn’t bother me at all.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked. No boy was worth her friendship to Raven.

“Yes.” Raven answered.

“Okay.” Clarke said unsurely.

“I’m proud of you for getting out there.”

Raven had been a huge support to Clarke these past few weeks. She was the one who had been pushing Clarke to start dating again.

“Yeah, well, it’s not easy.” Clarke said honestly. “But it’s necessary.”

—

Clarke drove her car up to the valet of the restaurant, searching her glove box for a few dollars.

Just from the outside Clarke knew the restaurant was a lot nicer than Finn had made it seem on the phone. She was grateful that she had overdressed for the occasion, rather than underdressed.

She stepped out of the car and a young man wearing a tux stood outside her car door.

“Ma’am.” He said.

She handed him her keys and the five dollar bill she had found underneath a cd case.

“Thank you.” She told him.

She walked into the restaurant through the towering doorway.

The setting did little to impress Clarke. She had spent enough time as a teenager going to places like these with her Mom to know she didn’t care for the lifestyle.

Before she could stop it, the thought slipped through her brain that Bellamy would never take her to a place like this. He knew her too well to try and bring her here.

Clarke swiftly reminded herself that Bellamy wouldn’t take her anywhere romantically, so there was no point in comparing him to Finn.

When she walked in a woman stood behind a counter with her hair pinned up neatly.

“Ms. Griffin?” The woman asked.

It was off-putting to Clarke that this woman knew her name.

“Yes.” Clarke confirmed.

“Right this way.”

The woman weaved through the tables and Clarke followed.

They walked straight for the windows that gave a view of Mecha’s skyline. The sun had already set behind the crisp city.

Clarke spotted Finn sitting at a private table in the corner. He wore black pants with a white dress shirt. His coat was draped on the chair behind him. He was passably attractive, Clarke supposed.

When he looked up and saw Clarke he stood immediately and pulled her chair out.

“Here you are.” The waitress said, before walking away.

“Finn.” Clarke said with a smile.

“Clarke.” His voice was was scratchy. He looked her up and down with dark eyes. “You look lovely.”

He grabbed her fingers gently into his grasp and brushed his thumb once across her knuckles.

The action was dramatic, and Clarke had to stop herself from laughing at him. That would be rude.

“It's a pleasure to see you.” He told her, releasing her hand from his grip.

She sat down and he tucked the chair in behind her. He moved to his own seat.

“I must say, I was beyond ecstatic when you said yes to a date with me.” He said once he was in his seat across from her.

“Raven said so many good things about you. I figured I’d give you a chance.”

He let out a nervous laugh and moved his hand to rub the back of his neck.

“I forgot you and Raven were close. I’m guessing she told you we used to date?”

At least he was up front about it, Clarke thought.

“She did.” Clarke confirmed. “She also assured me it was all in the past.” Clarke half stated the last part, half asked.

“That is correct.” He smiled. Clarke was pleased they had gotten those awkward details out in the air. “So, outside of my dating history, what else did Raven tell you about me?” He asked.

Clarke thought for a moment. They hadn’t really spoken much about him, but Clarke did remember one thing that impressed her.

“She mentioned you do a lot of humanitarian work.” Clarke said.

Finn looked down at the table with a small smile.

“I wouldn’t say a lot. Just some. I do consider myself passionate about the subject, though.”

—

Clarke lay in bed that night and mindlessly scrolled through the emails on her phone.

After spending twenty minutes listening to Finn preach about the importance of his volunteer work, the date took a nice turn.

He seemed to have realized he had spoken about himself a lot. Once his rant ended, he began to ask Clarke about herself. Clarke enjoyed their conversation.

Finn was sweet. He was a genuine person, and he was decent company.

Clarke wasn’t completely enamored with him, but she wouldn’t mind a second date.

And on top of all of it Clarke had gone the whole night without thinking about Bellamy. Well, until this moment where she was thinking about Bellamy. But nonetheless, the distraction had worked.

After she turned her lampshade off she pulled her blankets up past her shoulder and turned on her side.

For the first time, she thought that Bellamy not being in love with her wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

—

Clarke stared at the light dusting of white on the ground through the window of the coffee shop.

The woman in front of her complained to the barista about the snow, but Clarke felt differently. She had always appreciated the beauty of this time of year.

As winter went on, she knew she would grow sick of plowing her driveway. Even then, she wouldn’t bring herself to hate it. The beauty was worth the pain.

After she got her drink, she sat at an empty table and pulled her sketchbook out.

Lately, Clarke’s pieces had been dark and raw. But today she felt inspired to sketch something much more positive. She attributed it to the first snow of the year. It had put her in a good mood.

Halfway through her piece, she looked out the window for inspiration. Clarke felt a chill go through her from watching the snow fall. She reached for her warm cup.

She was startled when she looked over to see the previously empty seat occupied. Jasper now sat across from her.

“Jasper, wh—“

“We have an emergency.” He said seriously.

Clarke’s mind jumped to the worst case scenario. She began closing her sketchbook and shoving it into her bag.

“What happened? Is everyone okay?”

“No, no. Sorry. Not that kind of emergency.” He said sheepishly.

Clarke pulled her sketchbook back out and leveled Jasper with a stare, adrenaline slowing in her veins.

“Talk.” She said sternly.

“A few months ago City Council passed a law. We can’t set off fireworks within certain territories in Arkadia. Monty’s place, my place, Raven’s, even Bellamy’s… We’re all inside that territory.”

Clarke tried to keep her face neutral at the mention of Bellamy’s name. She missed him so much.

“Why is this an emergency?” She asked.

“Because it means we don’t have a place to throw a New Year’s party like we do every year.”

Clarke figured out what he was getting at. He wanted to throw the party at her house.

She nodded and took a swig of her drink. She drew her eyebrows in an effort to look contemplative.

Jasper’s face looked hopeful. She almost felt bad.

“No.”

His face fell.

“Please. Just this once.” He clasped his hands in front of himself. “We’ll figure something out next year.”

Clarke sighed. Her house was not a party house.

“We’ll bring everything.” Jasper continued. “The alcohol, the food. We’ll send out the invites and set everything up before hand, and we’ll clean it all up after. You wont have to do anything.”

Clarke’s resolve was cracking.

“No more than 30 people?” She asked.

“Scouts honor.” Jasper held his hand over his heart.

“Fine.” She relented, though she was certain he would break his last promise.

The look of excitement on Jasper’s face almost made it worth it. Almost.

—

“Are you sure Mom?” Clarke held her phone to her ear.

“Where should I put this table?” Jasper yelled from her entryway.

She held up her index finger to him.

“I could take the day off of school. I don’t mind.” Clarke offered.

Her mother was being honored at some awards ceremony her hospital was throwing in a few weeks. Clarke had gone to these all the time growing up. She hated them. But in a last ditch effort to mend her relationship with her mother, Clarke was offering to attend this one.

“That’s okay, honey. I’ll be going with Marcus.” Her Mom said.

Marcus was her Mom’s boyfriend. They had started dating not even months after Clarke’s father died. He was also the administrator of the hospital in Mecha her Mom got a job at. Clarke tried not to think to deeply about what a coincidence that was.

Clarke didn’t absolutely hate Marcus, but his presence annoyed her. He was too self righteous.

Her Mom continued. “And it would be a little weird, don’t you think?”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. She wasn’t grasping what her Mom was implying, but she knew she didn’t like it.

“I’m not following you, Mom.”

“You grew up around these people. You even went to school with some of them. And then you dropped out. Wouldn’t it be a little embarrassing to talk to them? They’ll probably want to know what’s going on in your life, and you’ll have to tell them…”

Her Mom trailed off but Clarke knew where she was going with her sentence.

Clarke scoffed. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I don't mean it in a bad way. I’m just trying to help you. You have to think about these things.”

Clarke walked over to the privacy of her kitchen.

“Well, don’t worry about it. I won’t be there. Have a nice New Years, Mom.”

“Clarke—”

Clarke clicked the end call button on her phone, probably more aggressively than was necessary.

She brought her forehead to her temple and massaged it a little.

She was never going to be anything but an embarrassment and a failure to her Mom. She didn’t know why she kept letting it surprise her when her Mom said those things.

Clarke sighed. She needed alcohol.

—

Clarke’s house was loud and unrecognizable. Muted music pumped through the walls.

People crowded every room. Some faces were recognizable, some looked vaguely familiar, and some were new.

Clarke had no doubt there was a lot more than thirty people there, but she didn’t mind as much as she thought she would.

She had just finished a conversation with a guy claiming to be an actual prince. She had lost track of time talking to him.

The couch in her living room had been pushed against the wall. Where the seats once were, people now gathered in a make shift dance floor. Bodies pushed together to the beat of the music.

Clarke wanted to join.

She walked over and into the crowd. Once surrounded by people on all sides, she closed her eyes and swayed her hips, getting lost in the music.

After a minute, Clarke felt a body close in behind her.

She knew she should open her eyes, but the alcohol coursing though her veins gave her the courage to take the risk.

Her eyes remained shut and she pushed her body back.

The calloused hands of the man behind her grabbed her hands, intertwining their fingers. Clarke encouraged him by moving their entangled hands to her hips and running one hand down to her upper thigh.

Clarke felt so good. Despite the anonymity of the man she was dancing with, she felt safe.

The body was warm, moved in a perfect harmony with Clarke’s.

He smelt so good. Clarke knew that smell. It was—

_5_

Shouts of the number erupted from around Clarke, breaking her thought process.

_4_

She opened her eyes and realized everyone was counting down to the new year.

_3_

Clarke figured now would be as good of a time as any to find out who was behind her. She had nothing to lose.

_2_

Clarke pulled her hands out of the grasp of the man behind her. She turned her feet and twisted herself around in the crowd.

_1_

She came face to face with Bellamy.

Loud shouts and hollers erupted around her, but Clarke stayed silent, staring into Bellamy’s eyes.

“Happy New Year, princess.”

She could smell the alcohol on his breath.

—

Clarke pushed past the masses of people. She couldn’t breath in the stifling house.

Weeks of trying to forget everything she felt for Bellamy were all ruined the second she saw him. She still loved him so much. Nothing had changed. She loved him, he didn’t love her. She would never leave the cycle no matter how hard she tried.

She broke out her front door and walked down the steps. Cold air instantly colored her bare arms red. Snow flakes caught in her hair. She took deep breaths and the air stung her lungs.

Behind her the house pumped with music and conversation. Fireworks shot from her backyard and screeched through the air. The sky lit up.

Clarke became calmer as she took more breaths. She was steadier on the inside, though her heart still beat wildly.

Clarke faced away from the house. The front door creaked and the sound from the house became slightly more audible before quieting back down to its previous decimal.

She heard steps crunch in the snow behind her. A body stopped next to her, brushing her arm, but she looked forward. She refused to turn her head.

She could see his breath steam in front of him.

The warmth he gave off was intoxicating.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him move to face her side.

The temperature outside was low, but her body was on fire.

“What are you doing here Bellamy?”

She couldn’t look at him.

“I was invited.”

Her ears perked instantly at his voice. She loved that sound.

“Okay.” Her voice was weak. She was at a loss for words.

He shifted next to her.

“Why can’t you look at me?” His voice broke.

“I’m sorry.” She apologized.

If that was what he wanted, she could do it.

She turned on her feet and faced him. They were close. She had to cast her eyes upwards to meet his.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Clarke.”

She could still smell the alcohol on his breath.

A snowflake landed on her cheek and melted, mimicking the tears she couldn’t bring herself to shed.

His hand reached up and brushed a loose tendril of her hair behind her ear. Her eyes shuttered closed at the gentle contact.

When her eyes opened she saw his face descending onto hers. She realized in utter shock that he was trying to kiss her.

She took a harsh step back. The untouched snow turned into dirty mushed puddle as her foot pressed into it.

He took another step towards her, reaching out for her, but she moved back again.

“Why would you do that?” She asked with a harsh whisper.

There was only one answer she would accept. She only wanted his love if it was because he wanted hers as well.

“I thought its what you wanted.”

Clarke closed her eyes and turned her head to the side.

“Not like this.” She whispered.

She was sad that he would try to give that to her when he didn’t feel the same, mad that he would play with her emotions like that.

She looked back at him. She was starting to feel cold again.

“I’m not with Gina anymore.” He pleaded, stepping forward and grabbing her hands.

Clarke sighed. Gina was never the problem. The problem was that Bellamy wasn’t in love with Clarke, and that hadn’t changed.

“That doesn’t change things.” She answered earnestly.

He let go of her hands and ran a hand through his hair. Clarke examined his face closely. His face had a wet stain like Clarke’s. But it wasn’t melted snowflakes leaving streaks down his face, Clarke realized. He was crying.

“I miss you so much.” He said.

She felt that.

“I miss you too.” She choked out.

She briefly wondered if he missed her so much that he would try to kiss her to convince her to be around him again. Would he fabricate feelings if he thought it would make her spend time with him?

She didn’t want to make him lie like that. She didn’t want to make him that desperate.

“I think I’m ready.” She lied. “To be friends again.”

He looked at her with eyes full of hope.

“Not tonight.” She said. “But soon.”

He nodded.

His nose was bright red when he spoke. “I’d like that.”

Clarke nodded. She had so many conflicting feelings swelling inside of her. She knew she could never figure them out tonight. Not in this environment.

Later, when she was alone and had some perspective, then she could figure it all out. The thought reassured her.

She turned to face the lights of her house.

“Happy New Year, Bell.” She said to the air. She knew he was listening.

She walked back inside.

—

 **Clarke 8:05 am:** _Hey, a few of us are going to the MW Ski Lodge tomorrow if you want to join?_

Clarke had retyped the text at least four times before sending it.

It had been three days since her fallout with Bellamy on New Years. She realized that night that distance hadn’t helped her get over him. She wasn’t going to make both of them miserable with separation if it didn’t serve any purpose.

She was still upset that he missed her gallery, but she understood that mistakes happen. If she went back into their friendship with the knowledge that he only wanted that, she hoped they could have a healthy relationship. She wouldn’t expect more of him than he was willing to give, so she was less likely to be disappointed by him.

Clarke’s phone pinged in her pocket.

 **Bellamy 8:10 am:** _Yes!_

 **Bellamy 8:10 am:** _Sorry… did that sound too enthusiastic?_

 **Bellamy 8:10 am:** _Pretend I texted ‘I guess. Whatever.’_

Clarke smiled to herself. Even the little things, like texting him, she missed so much.

 **Clarke 8:11 am:** _Don’t worry, your first response was the perfect amount of enthusiasm._

—

Clarke walked up to the outside of the lodge.

She saw the group waiting in the snow near the lodge.

Bellamy noticed her and began to walk towards her.

“Hey.” She said when he reached her.

“Hey.” He parroted back. He looked really cute in his beanie.

They started walking towards their friends. She tried not to think about all that she had confessed to him the night after the gallery. If them being friends again was going to work she would have to get past that.

“Do you want to ride the lift up together?” He asked.

“Sure.” She smiled at him.

“Cool.”

They reached their friends.

Clarke looked around at everyone there and was surprised to see Finn standing next to Raven.

They had been texting since their date, but hadn’t been able to get together for another one.

“Clarke.” He noticed her and walked up.

“Finn. Hey.”

He embraced her in a quick hug.

She didn’t know why, but she could feel Bellamy’s eyes on her.

“What are you doing here?” Clarke asked.

He pointed back towards Raven.

“Raven invited me. I wasn’t really sure I wanted to come but now I’m glad I did.”

Finn moved his hand to Clarke’s upper arm over her snow coat.

Before Clarke could respond Bellamy spoke up.

“I don’t think we’ve met.” His voice was intimidatingly low. He held his hand out in front of him.

Finn moved his hand off of Clarke to shake Bellamy’s.

Their bare hands met in one one brief shake.

“Hey, bro. Finn Collins.” Finn introduced himself.

“Bellamy Blake.” Bellamy responded. He turned to Clarke. “Ready to head up?”

“Oh… Sure.” Clarke said.

She looked at Finn who was watching her and Bellamy curiously.

“See you up there?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Finn said as if it was a realization.

—

Clarke’s feet dangled off the bench. Clarke had never feared heights, but if she did the snow below her looked comforting enough that she is sure it would ease her nerves.

The machine pulled her and Bellamy steadily up the hill.

“That guy was weird.” Bellamy said beside her.

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows.

“Who?”

“Haircut.” Bellamy said.

She turned her head towards him. Was he talking about Finn?

“Finn?” She asked.

“Yeah. What kind of grown man says ‘bro?’”

“I guess he’s a little different, but I like him.” Clarke said.

Bellamy turned his head forward and crossed his arms.

Clarke stared into the deceivingly blue sky and tried to suppress her annoyance.

Bellamy had acted like this a few times before. She wasn’t stupid. She knew it was jealousy.

Before, she might have mistaken it as him being interested in her. But she knew better now. He was jealous in a friend sort of way. Afraid that being around this new person would make her forget about him.

He was wrong. She could never forget about him, even when she wanted to.

—

Clarke stepped down from locking her skis into the rack above her car.

The sun was pushing closer to the horizon and Bellamy leaned on her hood, cool wind softly swaying his hair.

She moved to stand in front of him. She missed his proximity.

He watched her with a smile.

“Thanks for inviting me today.” He said.

“Thanks for coming.” She responded.

She tried not to think about him almost kissing her on New Years, or what it would have felt like if she had given in for a second.

She shoved her hands into her coat pockets and rolled back and forth on her feet. She’d be blushing if the exertion from skiing hadn’t already painted her cheeks red.

They had never verbally acknowledged what she told him the morning after her gallery. Clarke briefly wondered if she should bring it up, thank him for being okay with everything.

When she got the courage to open her mouth Bellamy had already started speaking.

“I should probably head home. It’s getting late.”

Clarke closed her eyes. Her chance had passed and she was grateful. She would have embarrassed herself if she had the opportunity.

He got off her car and stood up straight. His arms reached above his head as he stretched.

“Okay.” She said. “Drive safe.”

“You too.”

He walked away and disappeared behind a line of cars.

—

“I can’t believe you lived her for five years and that was your first comedy show.” Finn said.

They walked down the city sidewalk side by side. Bright lights of passing cars moved their shadows.

“I was only a teenager when I lived here.” She said.

“Good point.” He conceded.

Clarke slowed down when they reached her car.

“This is me.” She said.

Finn stopped in front of her.

“Thanks for coming with me.” He smiled coyly.

Clarke smiled up at him.

His eyes shifted down to her lips. She swallowed. She could do this.

He took a step forwards and put his hand on her cheek.

“Is this okay?” He asked.

She nodded.

As his face closed in on hers, Clarke closed her eyes.

His lips touched hers softly, almost innocently. Clarke pushed her lips against his again, with just a bit more force.

She took comfort in the intimacy, even felt a hint of attraction in her gut, but no feelings overpowered her.

She tried not to look disappointed as she pulled away.

She looked up at Finn. He was trying to suppress a smile.

“That was amazing.” He whispered.

Clarke wished she could feel the same.

—

Bellamy’s hand moved to place the wooden letter onto the scrabble board on his dining room table.

Clarke leaned over to scrutinize the board. He had placed some pretty weird words down, but this one had to be a lie.

“No. There is no way _yex_ is a word.” She said, disbelieving.

He crossed his arms—his very muscular arms—and leaned back in his chair.

“Go ahead, look it up.”

Oh, she was going to look it up. She pulled her phone out and did a quick search. Webster's Dictionary confirmed he was telling the truth.

She set her phone down.

“I forgive you for wrongfully accusing me.” Bellamy teased.

Clarke shook her head.

“You have an unfair advantage, you teach kids this stuff all day.”

Bellamy laughed. “Princess, I don’t know what you think I teach my six year old students, but I can assure you nothing I tell them helps me in scrabble.”

She rolled her eyes before examining her pieces.

She and Bellamy had been hanging out more over these past few weeks. Things between them were back to the way it used to be, and she was grateful.

“Speaking of the school, I’ve been meaning to ask you…” Bellamy paused. “We’re doing this fundraiser dinner between the teachers. It’s basically gonna be listening to long boring speeches and then an auction at the end. I was wondering if you would come as my plus one, make the night slightly more bearable.”

Clarke’s head shot up at the words.

She couldn’t. This was the kind of thing you brought a girlfriend to, not a good friend. Clarke couldn’t go there and pretend to be okay when all of his coworkers would assume they were dating. It would hurt to much.

“So…?” Bellamy asked. Clarke realized she had been silent.

“I can’t.” She said honestly.

“Why not?” He looked upset.

Her feelings were out there. She wasn’t going to lie or pretend there were other reasons she wouldn’t go. He needed to know she couldn’t do these kinds of things for him.

“You know why.” This whole conversation was upsetting her.

“Because you…” He trailed off. He wouldn’t say the words, but Clarke knew what he was referring to.

“Yes, Bellamy. Because of my feelings for you.” Her tone was harsh. Her cheeks were on fire. She was embarrassed that she had to spell it out for him again.

Bellamy looked surprised that she actually acknowledged it. His back had gone uncomfortably rigid.

“Are you mad that I asked?” He asked defensively.

“It felt a little insensitive.” Honesty was important right now to Clarke, even if it wasn’t nice.

“It’s just a night of hanging out together. We do it all the time. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

But she wanted it to, and that was the problem.

Clarke felt tired and a little guilty for snapping at him. She figured it maybe wouldn’t hurt to at least see.

“When is it?” She asked.

“Friday.”

In two days. She pulled out her phone and opened her Calendar, hoping there was a good enough excuse in there.

She clicked on Friday.

There was an event underneath it. _Movie Date with Finn @ 7._

“Sorry, I have plans already.” She said

Bellamy looked sheepish.

“I’m sorry I brought it up. And I shouldn’t have forced it on you like that.” He said. “You don’t have to make up plans just to get out of going with me.”

Clarke pressed her lips together. She felt slightly insulted.

“I’m not making up plans. I have a date.” She said. She discreetly wiped her palms on her thighs.

Bellamy’s eyes narrowed.

“A… Date?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Cool.” His gaze shifted around. “Fun.”

“Yeah.” Clarke examined the table in great detail.

She could barely handle the awkwardness in the air. Why was it so weird? Why did he care if she was seeing people?

Bellamy cleared his throat. “With who?”

Clarke’s head shot up. She was not expecting him to ask that.

“Finn Collins. I think you met him when we went skiing.”

Bellamy tilted his head and crossed his arms. “Why would you say yes to a date with him?”

“I’ve actually been on a few dates with him.”

“Oh.”

“What?” She asked.

“You never told me you were seeing someone.”

_You never told me you were seeing Gina._

“We don’t really talk about that stuff with each other.” She explained. “Why does it even matter to you?”

Bellamy gave an obviously fake smile. “It doesn’t. I just don’t like Finn. Why would you want to be with him?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke sighed exasperatedly. “He’s interested in me. That’s a start.”

Finn was nice to Clarke. And he was decent company. He liked her, and it made her feel good to be wanted.

Bellamy threw his hands in the air. “You shouldn’t date a person just because they ask you out. You should date them because you like them.”

There was a small part of Clarke that acknowledged that there was truth to Bellamy’s words. It was possible she was with Finn because he made her feel wanted. She didn’t want to accept that, because it would mean she had been using him. That would make her feel terrible. She pushed the thought aside.

“I’m not in a committed relationship with him, Bellamy. We’re not even exclusive.” Clarke’s voice was getting louder.

She was allowed to see people casually if she wanted. She didn’t need Bellamy’s permission.

“Whatever.” He said. “I’m done talking about this.” He pointed at the long forgotten game of scrabble on the table. “It’s your turn.”

Clarke was too amped up on annoyance. She didn’t want to sit in this room and pretend to get along with Bellamy.

She scooted her chair back and stood up.

Bellamy ignored her and pulled this phone out.

“I’m gonna go home.” She said.

Bellamy barely reacted.

“Have a good night.” He said while staring at the screen in his hand.

Clarke walked out of the house without another word.

—

On Thursday Clarke decided the best thing to do was to ignore what had happened the night before. It was far too complicated to even dissect.

She sent a few pointless texts to Bellamy. She didn’t think anything of it when he didn’t respond in the morning.

But when night rolled by and he still hadn’t responded she couldn’t help but feel annoyed.

—

Friday morning passed and he still hadn’t responded. She decided she wouldn’t text him anymore.

Then she remembered she wanted him to read through a paper for class before she turned it in, so she sent him few more texts.

He never got back to her.

—

“Clarke? Wouldn’t you agree?” Finn asked.

Clarke was not paying attention to what Finn said.

“Yeah. Totally.” She felt like a terrible person.

They had a nice time at the movies, and he had asked if she wanted to go back to his place. She said yes, which put them having drinks on Finn’s couch.

She wanted to enjoy being there with him, but she couldn’t get Bellamy out of her head.

She hated that he had the audacity to give her the silent treatment. It bugged her to her core, which of course is what he wanted.

And then there was the other thing he said, that she shouldn’t go out with Finn just because he liked her. That she should feel more than mild interest in the person she was going on multiple dates with. Those thoughts circled around her head.

Clarke faced Finn who was next to her on his couch.

“That’s what I like about us.” He said, grabbing her hand and grasping it in between his. “We always agree on things.”

Clarke looked up at him through her lashes. She needed to feel something stronger fast, or she knew she would have to end things between them.

He leaned in towards her and their lips met gently. They were still against each other for a moment. When they kissed again it was deeper, more passionate. Her lips bracketed his upper lip. She folded her legs beneath her.

Her hands moved to weave though his hair and she scraped gently at his scalp with her nails. His hand landed atop her upper thigh, squeezing gently. His tongue slipped into her mouth and he moaned instantly.

The intimacy of kissing was comforting, but beyond that Clarke felt nothing. She realized then that she had to stop leading him on.

She pulled back.

“Finn.” She said.

He hummed and moved his lips to her neck. His hand caressed down from her thigh to her ass.

She pushed gently on his shoulders.

“Finn. Stop.” She said.

He pulled back looking dazed.

“Is everything okay?” His voice was husky.

His dilated pupils slowly regained color.

She looked down at her hands in her lap. 

“I really like you as a person, but I don’t think I can keep going out with you. I’m not ready for anything serious. 

Finn’s eyebrows drew. He placed a hand on her knee.

“We don’t have to be serious.” He said. “We can keep doing things the way we have been. I don’t mind.”

He didn’t understand.

“No, Finn. It’s not fair to either of us. I’ve let this go on too long.” She tried to explain.

“Are you seriously ending things with me?” He asked.

Clarke stuttered at his words.

“It’s better this way. Neither of us will get hurt.”

He removed his hand from her knee and crossed his arms.

“We spend months getting to know each other.” He mumbled more to himself than to her. “Of course you end things right before we…” Clarke raised an eyebrow. “You know what? Whatever.”

Clarke was shocked by what he was saying. Finn had never acted like this before.

“Are you honestly mad I didn’t sleep with you?” Clarke scoffed. “That’s what you’re the most upset about right now?”

“I think it’s best if you leave.” Finn said coldly.

Clarke stayed on the couch for a second longer, wondering if this was all a charade. She almost didn’t believe how childish he was acting.

When he didn’t take back his words she got up off the couch, grabbed her purse, and left his apartment.

—

Raven’s name popped up on the touch screen radio on the dash in Clarke’s car.

She briefly considered not answering—she had literally _just_ broken up with Raven’s good friend—but decided she didn’t want to be a hypocrite.

She couldn’t be mad at Bellamy for ignoring her if she was ignoring someone else.

She pressed her finger against the green pixels.

“Hello.” Clarke said.

“Clarke. Hey.” Raven said. “How was your date?”

Clarke swallowed.

“It was…” She couldn’t lie. “…Interesting. We’ll talk about it later.” She quickly changed the topic. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Straight to business, I see.” Raven noted. “But, yes. I was wondering if I could borrow your luggage bag? I just found out I need to fly back home tomorrow.”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. My Mom’s getting sicker, so they want me to fly in and see her just in case.”

Clarke felt for Raven. She knew the pain of losing a parent, she couldn’t imagine how much it would hurt if she knew what would happen to her Dad beforehand and couldn’t stop it.

“I’m so sorry. You can borrow my luggage for as long as you need.”

“Thank you. I can probably pick it up tomorrow morning.”

“No. You worry about everything else. I’ll drop it off tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks.” Raven sounded sad. Clarke’s heart ached for her. “My Dad is calling, I should answer.”

“Okay, let me know if you need anything else. I love you. Bye.”

“Love you too.”

Clarke clicked the red end call button.

She clicked her blinker on and took the exit off the freeway, towards Arkadia.

She tried to remember where she last put her luggage. She hadn’t used it in a while.

She remembered shoving it into the back of her closet, but she was almost positive it wasn’t there this afternoon when she got dressed.

Clarke thought hard as she came to a stop at the light.

After painstakingly trying to dig through her memories, she remembered. She had let Bellamy borrow the bags towards the end of Summer. He probably had forgotten to return them.

When Clarke pulled into her garage she put the car into park and opened her messages. She scrolled briefly through her list of messages unanswered from him.

She didn’t want to seem clingy, but she had to do this for Raven.

Clarke sighed and swallowed her pride.

She typed on her phone with her thumbs.

 **Clarke 8:53 pm:** _Hey. Do you have my luggage bags? Raven needs them and you never gave them back after you used them. I can come pick them up…_

Clarke set her phone down. If he didn’t respond by the time she woke up in the morning, she’d go over there and get them.

—

When Clarke woke up the next morning there were no messages from Bellamy.

She sipped on her coffee and ate her breakfast, waiting for a message to come. It didn’t.

When she got out of her shower, he still hadn’t responded.

Clarke brushed her hair aggressively. She was done waiting on him to respond, and she was done with the way he was treating her.

He didn’t get to be mad at her for seeing other people. Not after she had to watch him be with Gina for months. Not after he left her the morning after her gallery. Not after he played with her emotions on New Years.

When she was done getting ready she would go get the luggage from him herself.

—

Clarke pressed the doorbell repeatedly with her finger.

If Bellamy didn’t answer in the next ten seconds she’d grab his spare key and get what she needed herself.

The door creaked open and Clarke stopped her movement.

Bellamy appeared on the other side fully dressed.

He crossed his arms upon seeing her.

“Clarke.” He said.

“I know you saw my text. I’m here for the luggage.” She tried to keep her voice uncaring.

Bellamy sighed and closed his door.

Clarke waited, assuming that meant he was getting the luggage. He wouldn’t leave her waiting at the door. That was way too rude. He wouldn’t do that to her. Right?

A minute later the door reopened and he pulled the luggage out onto the porch.

Clarke took it with a scowl and pulled the bag down the stairs.

She was supposed to get in her car and walk away. He just wanted a reaction out of her and she shouldn’t have given it to him. But she couldn’t help herself.

She had to tell him, to yell at him, to let him know how frustrating he was acting. Why it hurt more than it would with anyone else.

So she set the luggage at the bottom of the stairs, turned around, and walked back up to the door.

He was still standing there, watching her with a blank expression.

“You have no right.” She spat, poking him in the chest with her index finger.

He smirked. She wanted to kill him.

“I’m sorry?” He asked.

“Don’t pretend like I’m crazy. Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?” He was still uninterested, not even a twitch of muscles to give away that he cared.

Annoyance built up inside of her until it broke.

“You don’t get to do this.” She started. “I can’t tell if you’re mad I was seeing Finn or that I was other seeing people in general but either way you have no right.”

“Was?” He asked, picking up on the fact that she was no longer with Finn.

“That’s not what this is about. This is about the way you’re treating me.”

His mouth formed into a scowl. At least she got a reaction out of him other than aloofness.

“I’m allowed to do what I want and feel how I want, Princess.”

Clarke’s knuckles turned white. He wasn’t understanding.

“But it’s not fair, Bellamy. You’re acting like a—“ She didn’t know if she could say the next part. “You’re acting like a jealous person. And it’s giving me false hope that you might want me. But I _know_ you don’t.” Tears were starting to build behind her eyes. Her voice felt weak, but she continued. “You left me at my house that day. You don’t feel the same as I do and its not fair that you’re making me think you might. You have to let me move on.”

She didn’t like thinking about that day. It was her weakest point. Just the memory made her fragile.

Bellamy was frozen. He stared at her with wide eyes.

Her cheeks heated in embarrassment. She wanted to run. She wanted to be far away from this moment, but she needed to have this conversation. She needed him to understand.

“You haven’t moved on yet?” His voice was soft. It leaked curiosity.

Clarke bit her lip. This was so humiliating.

 _Honesty_ , she repeated to herself, though her throat ached to lie.

“No, I haven’t. I’ve tried, okay? But it’s not as easy as it sounds.”

“I thought for sure after that month…” His words were a mumble and his eyes didn’t meet hers. It was almost as if he was speaking to himself. “And after New Years when I—“

“I get it, Bellamy.” She couldn’t listen to him talk anymore. “If you understand now, I think I’m gonna go…”

He was staring at the floor and he shook his head, almost as if disbelief.

Clarke began to turn around and descend the stairs.

“Wait.” She heard him call from behind her.

She turned around.

“Please come inside. I want to talk.”

Clarke was unsure, today had been hard enough for her.

“I don’t know—“

“This miscommunication is killing us, Clarke. We need to talk.”

His eyes begged her. She wanted to. She was going to, until she remembered she had to bring Raven her luggage before she left for the airport.

“I need to bring Raven my luggage.” His face fell. “But we could meet somewhere tonight and talk?”

“Okay.” He said.

—

Clarke’s eyes scanned the coffee shop as she walked in.

College students sat at the tables typing away on their computers.

There were a few groups of elderly people enjoying each others company.

Two cops sipped on their drinks.

In the back corner, she spotted Bellamy. He sat hunched over a private table near the wall.

She walked over and sat down across from him.

“Hey.” She said.

He sat up straight when he noticed her.

“Hey.” He grabbed one of the cups sitting on the table and handed it to her. “This is for you.”

“Thank you.” She said.

She played with the ring on her finger.

“How’s Raven doing?” He asked.

“Good.” Clarke said. “Well, not good, but she’s handling it the best she can.”

“That’s good.” He nodded.

Silence settled between the two of them.

Clarke sipped at her warm drink. The strong flavor hit her tongue and warmed her insides. She closed her eyes and savored it.

When she opened them, Bellamy was watching her. His eyes were dark, as if he wanted her.

“This is what I mean.” She said.

“What?” He looked genuinely confused.

“You can’t watch me like that. There are… implications.” She said.

He smirked. She was not amused.

“I’m being serious, Bellamy.” She told him.

His smile got bigger.

She spoke. “I’m gonna go if you can’t take this seriously.”

She made to stand up, but his hand rested atop hers and she froze.

“Please stay.” He asked, eyebrows furrowed.

She settled back into her chair and crossed her arms.

He was the one who wanted to meet up with her, he could do the talking.

He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face once.

Bellamy began speaking. “I don’t even know where to start. I guess the morning of your gallery is probably the best place.” Clarke trained her eyes on the table, she hated the memory of that day. “Gina wanted me to meet her family that night. It came out of nowhere when she asked me to. I didn’t even think things between us were that serious, which I realize makes me sound like a terrible person.”

Clarke grated her teeth. She didn’t want to hear about Bellamy’s relationship with Gina.

“Where is this going?” She asked.

“Just trust me.” He said. “I told her I couldn’t go to the dinner. You had your gallery that night and I _had_ to be there.” Clarke scoffed. “She said… I would always chose you over her.”

Clarke’s head shot up.

“What?” She asked. She had no idea their fight revolved around her.

“I didn’t correct her.” He kept going. “She got mad and started accusing me of things. We got into a nasty fight and she said I was in love with you.” Clarke inhaled sharply. “I went straight the bar and… well, you know the rest. I ended things with her the next day.”

His eyes were glazed over.

“Why did I need to know this?” She asked, feeling the burden of his failed relationship on her shoulders.

He took a shaky breath. “Because she wasn’t wrong… about anything.”

Clarke shook her head. It couldn’t be true. He was _not_ in love with her.

“No.” She wouldn’t accept it. “You were seeing other people. You cant be—“ _In love with me._ “You wouldn’t be with other people if you felt that way about me.”

“You were with Finn while you were still in love with me.” He fought back.

“That was different and you know it.” She whispered harshly. “I was trying to get over you. You were explicitly not interested in me.”

Her world was spinning. Her surroundings disappeared until it was just her and Bellamy.

He clenched his jaw. “That’s not true.”

“Yes it is.” Clarke leaned forward. “One month. I told you I loved and you didn’t say anything to me for a _whole month_. You let me believe you didn’t love me back. How am I supposed to believe that was all a lie?”

Bellamy huffed. “I had just ended things with Gina because of you. I thought it would be insensitive to her if I went straight into a relationship with you.”

Clarke twisted her lips into a cynical half smile. “God forbid you hurt Gina’s feelings.”

Did he know how much pain she was in when he left that day? Did he even care?

“It wouldn’t be fair to you and me if we built our relationship on another one failing.”

“You didn’t have be with me right then and there, Bellamy, but if you really loved me you shouldn’t have left me completely in the dark.”

Bellamy clenched his jaw.

Clarke’s lip trembled. She continued. “And if you felt this way for months after we started being friends again, why didn’t you say anything? Can you see how weird this seems to me?”

Bellamy lowered his eyebrows. “I tried to kiss you on New Years. You rejected me. I thought you had moved on.”

Clarke’s mouth fell open in disbelief.

“Of course I didn’t let you kiss me, you were _drunk_.” She yelled.

With her outburst people in the coffee shop began watching them curiously.

Why did he think this was the right place to tell her everything?

“I can’t do this here.” She said.

She got up, drink forgotten on the table, and walked towards the exit.

“Clarke.” He called after her desperately.

She swung the doors open and walked down the sidewalk towards her car.

“Clarke.” He called out again, this time louder.

She felt tears leaking down her face. She couldn’t believe what he was telling her. Why couldn’t she have just accepted it? She should be overjoyed.

When she reached her car, parked on the side of the street, Bellamy caught up to her.

He grabbed her wrist, to ensure she wouldn’t run away.

She turned towards him somberly. His face was wet, likely not from the dew in the air.

“You really love me?” She asked. She needed his honesty. Whatever he told her now, she would take at face value.

His eyes pleaded with her. “ _So_ much. For _so_ long.”

“I need some time to think.” She said.

He released her wrist and ran a hand through his hair.

Without a word, she unlocked her car and got into it.

As she drove off, she could see him in her rearview mirror. He was still there on the sidewalk, watching her car leave.

Her heart ached for the both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If people are tired of the slow burn, know that they will be together for the majority of the next chapter. It will still be angsty, though.
> 
> lmk your thoughts.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'I love you.'
> 
> Clarke’s heart squeezed. She couldn’t contain her smile. She hid her face shyly in the crook of his neck.
> 
> 'I love you too.' She mumbled."
> 
> part 3. Clarke learns to navigate a life with Bellamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part three, the final part.
> 
> I'm trying to get this posted before I leave my computer for a week, so I'm sorry if there are any typos.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys!

Clarke’s phone was secured between her ear and her shoulder. Steady rings emanated from the device, aggravating her already pulsing head.

She frantically shoved a handful of shirts into a duffel bag as she tried to decipher what else she needed to pack. Underwear. She would need that. And toiletries, couldn’t forget toiletries.

Her head was running with the words Bellamy had just spoken to her. The promises he didn’t know he made.

She closed her eyes and visualized a wall building in her head, a trick her therapist from years ago had taught her. That wall, that impenetrable force, wouldn’t allow the things he said to enter her mind.

“Hello, this is Abby Griffin—” Her Mom’s voice spoke.

“Mom.” Clarke said with relief.

“—I am sorry I am not able to answer the phone at the moment. Please leave your name and number—”

Clarke hung the phone up and clicked on her Mom’s number again. She would keep trying until the call was answered.

On the fourth ring, her Mom picked up.

“Clarke, honey? Is everything alright?” Her Mom asked.

Clarke took a shaky breath and said the words she didn’t ever want to say to her Mom.

“I need a favor.”

—

Clarke pulled her oversized sunglasses on her face to combat the sun. It sat low in the sky, obstructing every part of her windshield. 

As she passed the sign that brought the speed limit up ten miles per hour, her foot pressed the accelerator gradually.

Paintbrushes and canvases lay in the back seat of her car next to her overstuffed duffel bag.

Her phone was secured on the dash, giving directions to a place she had never been.

The thought had come to her when she was driving away from her meeting with Bellamy. She realized she needed to get away, but she didn’t know where to go.

Then it occurred to her. Vaguely, in the back of her mind, she remembered a dinner she had with her Mom and Marcus. He had mentioned in passing that he owned a lake house. He said that Clarke could use it whenever, even bring her friends if she wanted, as long as she okayed it with him first.

Clarke was certain he only offered to endear himself to her, so she never took him up on it. But she had nowhere else to go and she needed to leave fast. So she swallowed her pride and asked her Mom if Marcus would be okay with her using it.

He said yes and she left as fast as she could.

When she pulled up to the isolated home a few hours later, she admired the lot. It was spacious, though there were neighbors not far down the street.

She walked to the door and tested the code on the soft buttons. When the mechanical hum of the handle unlocking stopped, she stepped inside.

The home was modern, Clarke imagined that Kane had either bought it recently or refurbished it.

After her self guided tour of the two storied home she propped the front door open and began moving her few items inside.

She set up a canvas on her easel that she placed on the spacious back porch. It was cold out, but dry. If she dressed warm enough she figured she could spend one or two comfortable hours outside.

She changed into a heavy sweater, pulled the blanket over her shoulder, and sat on a stool in front of her canvas.

The porch overlooked the mirror-like lake. It was eerily still, with sporadic patches of fog lying on the water. The moon, waning a crescent mid-sky, glared against the water.

Clarke wanted to get lost in her art, but there was one last thing she needed to do. She had to ensure there would be no distractions.

So she pulled her phone—cold to the touch—out of her pocket. She payed no attention to any notifications on the screen. Her fingers held the power button down. She swiped across her screen and turned the device off completely.

—

Clarke’s fingers ached. She stayed at the house for three days, painting until she ran out of supplies.

A fleeting thought told her to go get more supplies and come back, but she knew she couldn’t. The house had served its purpose. Clarke felt clarity of mind, now she had to go back to the real world.

During her time, Clarke had found peace with the things Bellamy said to her. She wanted to respect how he felt, but he had done so little to make the things he said _feel_ true.

She believed him in word, maybe out of habit, but was uncertain in action. The only way to find out if he was being honest was to go back.

So she cleaned up the lake house and turned all the lights off. She got into her car and drove straight to her home.

—

When Clarke unlocked to front door of her house, she instantly desired to fall asleep in her bed. But it was midday and there was so much she could do with the daylight. So she brewed herself a pot of coffee and turned her phone on.

She had a large number of missed calls and messages, and at least half of them—if not more—were from Bellamy.

As she read though his texts, she almost felt sorry. He was extremely concerned with her disappearance.

Clarke had told her Mom where she went, so it wasn’t like she left without saying a word to anyone.

True to his character though, Bellamy had much overreacted in his worry for her. She couldn’t bring herself to be annoyed. She just hoped he hadn’t called the cops.

She sent a quick _‘I’m alive_ ’ text to Bellamy. He deserved that much at least.

—

Clarke was startled when she heard a loud pounding noise. She jumped upwards in shock. Pain shot through her head when she slammed into the top of the cabinets she was cleaning.

Clarke huffed at the interruption. She wasn’t expecting anyone.

Her feet took her to her front door. When she peaked through the peephole she saw Bellamy standing there. Clarke inhaled sharply.

Bellamy was there. He was there and she looked like, well, a mess. He had seen her at her worst, so she wasn’t too bothered. But him being there meant they would talk. She didn’t know if the adrenaline that ran through her was from excitement or dread. Maybe a combination.

She pulled her fingers through her messy hair, hoping to tame it a bit. Her hand lingered on the door knob for a second and then pulled.

Before she could even open her mouth in greeting he was yelling at her.

“Where were you?” He demanded.

“Uh…” Clarke stammered. “My Mom’s boyfriend has this vacation home. I went there.”

She could barely finish her sentence before he was speaking again.

“Do you know how irresponsible that is? You can’t disappear without telling anyone. For all I knew you could’ve been dead.” He threw his hands in the air.

The worry lines on his face looked as though they had been there for days. Clarke felt guilty.

“I’m sorry.” She bowed her head. “I wasn’t thinking.”

He chewed on his lip for a moment before nodding decisively.

 “Can we take a walk?” He asked, considerably softer than his previous words.

She couldn’t turn him down now. Not after the pain she put him through. Knowing Bellamy he probably worried nonstop for the past few days. She could barely believe she had been so selfish.

“Yeah.” She gave him a trembling smile. “Let me go change.”

When she was alone in her bedroom, her heart raced knowing what they would talk about.

She ran her thumbs under the stretchy waistband of her shorts and pulled them down. Then she stood in her panties, looking for something weather appropriate to wear, eventually settling on a pair of plain black yoga pants.

When the pants were snug around her legs, she pulled her shirt off and tossed it haphazardly behind her.

Instead of replacing her shirt she opted to throw a Patagonia fleece over her tank top. The soft fabric hung loosely around her body, but insulated her well.

She pulled her hair into a messy bun and ran back down the stairs.

Bellamy was waiting on her couch. He gave her a soft smile when he looked up.

“Ready?” She asked, her finger playing with the soft fabric of her coat to stop them from trembling.

—

Clarke’s foot crunched a stick as she walked in comfortable silence with Bellamy in the woods behind her house. The noise reverberated once before dying forever.

“It’s beautiful back here.” Bellamy noted.

Clarke hummed. She had spent decades in the woods and had yet to get sick of it.

Normally when she came here with other people it felt like an intrusion. Whoever was with her was stepping into memories that weren’t their’s, precious memories of Clarke’s childhood and her father. But with Bellamy, it felt natural. Like he belonged there with her, like those memories were just as much his as they were her’s.

Green and brown filled her eyes in front of her, but when she turned her head she could see Bellamy in stark contrast.

As they walked at an even pace down the path, she was reluctant to start a conversation. She opened her mouth wide but nothing came out. She couldn’t even think of where to start. Thankfully Bellamy was much better with communication.

“I feel like I’ve lost your trust.” He confessed shoving his hands into his jean pockets. “I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting these past few days and I can see how much my actions hurt you. So I want to give you the whole truth. 

Clarke was unsure of what he was trying to say, but she agreed with his request because—despite what he may think—she trusted him more than anyone else she had ever known.

“Okay.” She said.

He took a deep breath, his nostrils expanding to take in the air, and spoke. “When we met I thought you were the most amazing person I had ever seen.”

Clarke laughed. He had spoken so earnestly, but she had a very different interpretation of their first meeting. “You yelled at me before I could say a word to you.”

“Can I finish?” He asked.

Clarke held her hands up in surrender.

He continued. “You were absolutely gorgeous and I _knew_ I needed to be near you again. I remember thinking guys probably hit on you all day every day. I didn’t want to be one of those people. So I yelled at you. It seemed like the best way to get your attention.” He chuckled to himself, almost like he was stuck in the memory. “And then you gave it back to me ten times harder than I gave it to you. I was in complete awe.”

Clarke gulped. It couldn’t be true. They hated each other at first. And if he was interested in her from the first time he met her, why didn’t he ever mention it?

“As I got to know you…” Bellamy paused before continuing hesitantly. “I realized I couldn’t be in a relationship with you.”

Clarke crossed her arms. What did that even mean?

“You really don’t need to tell me this.” She said.

“I do.” He answered. “You were so young and you came from a life that was completely different from the one I lived. I thought there was no way you would be interested in me. That didn’t stop me from falling in love with you.” Clarke blushed. “I always made up excuses not to tell you how I felt.” Bellamy kicked the dirt with his feet. “But deep down I was scared that it would push you out of my life. And as time went on that wasn’t a risk I was brave enough to take.”

Clarke could understand that. She felt the same way for a while. But the question still pushed at the back of her brain, begging to be asked.

She counted her steps up to ten, before asking. “Why start seeing other people if you felt that way about me?”

Bellamy’s face contorted at the question. “I’m not proud of it.” He answered hesitantly. “You never said anything, so I assumed you didn’t feel the same about me. But you and I had started to get so much closer. It hurt that I got to have you like that without _really_ having you. I thought moving on was the answer.” He paused. “It wasn’t.”

Clarke cleared her throat. “I was gonna tell you, you know?”

Bellamy glanced at her curiously.

The path forked in two directions and Clarke directed him to the right with a nudge of the shoulder.

“The night you introduced us all to Gina. I had it planned out.” She smiled at her past ignorance. “I was gonna confess that I loved you. In my mind you would feel the same and we would live happily ever after. Looking back, it was kinda dumb.”

It took Clarke a second to realize Bellamy was no longer next to her. When she turned around she saw he had stopped a few steps behind her.

His eyes were wide always emotive.

“Are you serious?” He asked.

“Yeah. But it’s not that big of a deal. I mean it hurt, but I got over it.”

Bellamy looked down and away.

“I’m so stupid.” He mumbled. “If I had just waited a little longer we could’ve skipped all this pain and—“

“Hey.” Clarke said. She walked up to him and took his hand in hers. It was warm to the touch and Clarke felt electricity shoot through her at the contact. His gaze was fixed on their hands and his jaw became slightly slack. “We can’t change the past, okay?”

He gulped and nodded, moving his eyes to hers.

“But we can learn from our past and choose our future. Right?” He asked.

“Right.” Clarke confirmed. “Now come on. We’re almost back.”

As they continued walking down the path the warm grip on her hand never released. Bellamy told her more stories of went on in his head throughout their history, the things he never said to her. The more he spoke, the more she believed.

When they reached the end of the path, trees opened up to reveal her grassy backyard. They walked around the house to the front and sat down on the porch steps.

Clarke registered in her mind that they had said so much about the past, but nothing about the future. She was nervous that they would ruin everything if they tried, but she knew she couldn’t let that stop her.

Her eyes drooped. It couldn’t have been much past six, but she was exhausted.

She pulled her hand out of his. He turned his head towards her, watching her curiously.

She scooted next to him on the porch step and molded her side into his. Her head rested on his shoulder and she thought she might be able to fall asleep just from the comfort of his warmth.

His arm moved to wrap around her, his hand rubbed comforting patterns up and down her arm. Her eyes fluttered shut.

“What does this mean for us?” He asked.

She looked up at him from her spot on his shoulder. She could see so many things in great detail from the angle. His eyelashes, his freckles, the curve of his lip.

“We should go on a date.” She suggested with faux confidence. “Test the waters. See if it feels right.”

Just because they were already in love with each other didn’t mean she wanted to rush into a relationship only to have them regret it.

“Take it slow?” He asked.

She nodded her head against his body.

“I can do that.” He said, almost as if he was convincing himself.

He looked down at her and with a fixed gaze. Clarke was trapped in the intensity of his eyes.

“I know we _just_ said we were taking it slow.” He started slowly. “But can I say something?”

Clarke gulped.

“Yeah.” She agreed.

“I love you.”

Clarke’s heart squeezed. She couldn’t contain her smile. She hid her face shyly in the crook of his neck.

“I love you too.” She mumbled.

—

Clarke picked Raven up from the airport the next day. The more Clarke thought about it, the more selfish she felt for going to the lake house. Not only had she left people to worry about her well being, but she had abandoned Raven in a time of need.

Raven hadn’t acted like it bothered her, though. Clarke figured she was busy with her family. Still, Clarke should have been there for her had anything gone wrong. And she should have been checking up on her.

Clarke was also nervous about how Raven would react to her breakup with Finn, but Clarke couldn’t keep it a secret any longer.

She wouldn’t tell about Bellamy though, maybe couldn’t. Bellamy and her hadn’t discussed what they were, hadn’t been on a first date. She didn’t want to go telling people about them without knowing if it would upset him.

Clarke moved into the left lane, the sign guaranteeing it would lead her to the arrivals.

She searched for Raven in the pickup area. When Clarke spotted her, waiting with her luggage in the third terminal, she pulled the car up next to her.

Clarke checked her side mirror before stepping out of her car. Raven pulled her into a tight hug before she could even say hello.

“Get to moving, ladies.” The traffic cops blew their whistles at them.

Clarke pulled back apologetically.

“You have no idea how good it is to be back here.” Raven said while lifting her luggage into Clarke’s trunk.

“Let’s get out of here and then I want you to tell me everything.” Clarke said.

When their seatbelts were buckled and they were back on the road Clarke began to interrogate Raven about her time away. It was half because she was genuinely interested and half because she was reluctant to talk about what had happened in her own life.

“Tell me about your trip. How is your Mom?” Clarke asked.

“She’s fine. Turns out it was just another scare, but I’m glad I went. Hospitals are _so_ stressful, though.” Raven tossed her head back.

“They’re miserable.” Clarke agreed.

“It was a boring trip, though. Nothing happened.” Raven turned the vents blowing warm air away from her. “Tell me about what I missed.”

Clarke let out a long breath, not sure what to say.

“Not much.” Her voice was unusually high. Raven noticed.

“Clarke. What happened?” Her voice was wary.

Clarke paused for a beat.

“I broke up with Finn.” Clarke confessed. “Or ended things, I guess. We weren’t ever really officially together.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Are you feeling okay? Breakups are never fun.”

Clarke had no hard feelings about ending things with Finn.

“I’m good.” Clarke said, switching lanes to get off at the exit. “So you’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Cause you’re kinda close with Finn. I didn’t know if you’d be upset that I probably hurt his feelings.”

Clarke couldn’t read Raven’s expression, but it seemed like she was putting thought into her words.

They came to a full stop at the light.

“If you weren’t happy with him, I wouldn’t want you to stay with him just to spare his feelings.”

Clarke let out a sigh of relief. She really loved Raven.

—

Clarke parked her car in the lot of the restaurant, some Italian hole in the wall she had never heard of. Over the phone Bellamy had promised it would be the best food she would ever eat.

When she stepped out of her car, she received a view of the quaint and cute restaurant.

Bellamy had some meeting after work, so instead of driving together they agreed to meet at the location.

She didn’t know if Bellamy was inside yet. Normally she would text him and ask, but their interactions had been thrown off as of late by their impending date. She second guessed everything.

Clarke was nervous. She hoped she could get through the first date, then things between them would get much better.

When she went inside a waiter greeted her at the door and walked Clarke to a table in the back of the restaurant.

When the table came into view it became evident that Bellamy wasn’t there yet. Clarke sat down and set her clutch on the rustic wooden table.

As she sat waiting, panic seized her for a moment. He wouldn’t ditch her like he had the morning of the hike. Or her gallery. She knew he wouldn’t. Her assurance didn’t stop the brief worry that passed through her.

Clarke willed her mind to stop but it refused. She imagined sitting at the table by herself for a half an hour. The waiter would ask if she wanted to order and Clarke would have to make up some excuse to leave, to save herself from embarrassment.

No, Bellamy wouldn’t do that to her. He would be there, she repeated to in her head. He would be there, she put the words of belief in her heart.

When she saw his dark curls peak in through the entrance a few minutes later she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

As he walked over she took a sip of her lukewarm water, hoping to clear her dry throat. She didn’t want to sound like a frog when she greeted him.

“Sorry I’m late.” He said, sitting down. So much for a romantic greeting, Clarke thought. “Teachers don’t know when to shut up.” He ran a hand over his face.

“It’s okay.” She said. And, really, it was okay. “It was only a few minutes.”

“I’m not messing this up already, am I?” He asked with wide eyes.

Clarke felt for him. He was probably just as nervous about this as she was.

“No, not at all.”

He let out a grateful sigh and picked up the menu.

“You look beautiful, by the way.” He tested the words.

Clarke blushed. She still wasn’t used to knowing Bellamy saw her like that.

“So do you.” She said in a joking tone, though he did. She had never seen a more beautiful person than him.

He laughed. “Thanks.”

Clarke smiled back. She felt her nerves slowly drain from her body.

—

At the end of the date— _date_ _,_ Clarke still couldn’t believe she was on a _date_ with Bellamy—the waiter asked if they wanted dessert Bellamy immediately said no.

Brief nerves passed through Clarke and she swallowed unnaturally. She thought the date had gone very well. But traditionally not wanting dessert meant wanting the date to end. As in, he wanted it to be over with because he had a miserable time.

Clarke stopped the panic in her head, placating it with thoughts of reason. Maybe he had to be up early and wanted a good nights rest. Maybe he was on a diet. No, that was stupid. Bellamy didn’t diet.

She played with the cold silver spoon on the table that she hadn’t used for her meal. The fingernail on her thumb scraped at it once.

“You okay?” He asked her. “You look a little pale.”

Clarke shook her head, trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach.

“I’m fine.” She said.

He smirked. “There’s this ice cream place a few blocks down. We could get dessert there. If that’s okay with you?”

Clarke’s eyes darted up at him. He knew exactly what was doing with her emotions. She hated him. She really didn’t.

When they walked into the ice cream shop Clarke’s lungs filled with a sweet scent. Her eyes adjusted to the bright walls and aggressive shine of lights. The lamplit streets outside had been much kinder to her eyes.

Clarke thought she couldn’t eat another thing after her meal at the restaurant. The meal was as great as Bellamy had promised, her cheeks heated as she remembered the way Bellamy had watched her as she moaned while savoring her first bite. But looking at this ice cream her mouth salivated once again.

She stood before her options.

“One scoop. Mint chocolate chip, please.” Clarke told the girl behind the counter.

Bellamy ordered after her and they sat down outside next to a heater.

“This is delicious.” Bellamy said as he savored his bites.

Clarke hummed in agreement.

When they left the ice cream shop Bellamy walked Clarke to her car.

They stopped in front of the drivers door. Clarke leaned back onto the car and placed her hands behind her. Cars passed on the road across from them and shadows danced on Bellamy’s face.

“I had a really good time.” He said.

She was hoping he would say that.

“Me too.” Clarke agreed. She pulled at the fabric on her arm. “I’d like to do this again.”

He gave her a charming smirk. She hated that it worked on her.

“We’ll be doing this again.” He said with confidence.

He pulled her into a hug and Clarke tried not to be disappointed. It was only their first date, they didn’t need to kiss. He might not have been ready. She could accept that.

She squeezed him tightly and pressed her face into the bare skin of his neck. His woody scent crept into her lungs. One of his hands fisted her hair and tugged lightly, the other was snug around her waist.

“I love you, Clarke.” He whispered into her hair.

Clarke could tell he really enjoyed saying that. She wondered if—like her—in the past he had to constantly censor himself from saying it. And now that he could tell her, he took every opportunity.

“I love you too.”

—

Clarke was happy. She had been on four official dates with Bellamy, and spent plenty of time in between hanging out with him.

She couldn’t complain. Really, it was amazing.

There was _one_ thing, though.

It was so minuscule that Clarke wondered if it was even a thing, or if she was just making it up. It was probably nothing.

The problem—that wasn’t a problem—was simple. Bellamy wouldn’t touch her.

Which wasn’t even true, really, because he did touch her. He would brush his arm against her and sometimes put his hand on her back. But beyond that he wasn’t physical with her. He hadn’t even hugged her since their first date. He was so different from the Bellamy she had seen with girls in the past.

Clarke was confident the issue wasn’t on her end. She had tried initiating things. But when she put her hand on his knee at the movies he immediately got up to use the bathroom. And when she thought it was the perfect moment for a first kiss on their date at the pier, her eyes fluttering closed in anticipation, he turned his head away from her and pulled out his phone, checking his email.

Her ego was bruised.

She tried not to overthink it. They had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, their pace was perfectly normal.

But there was an insecure part of her that began to question things. He had called her beautiful and gorgeous, but Clarke began to wonder if Bellamy was attracted to her.

Normally Clarke was confident concerning her looks, they had never posed an issue in relationships before, but Clarke was beginning to second guess herself in Bellamy’s eyes.

She thought of the girls he normally took home, tall and fit and lean and brunette, everything she wasn’t.

The thought strayed into her mind often, distracting her.

One morning when she was at breakfast with Raven, she was barely focusing on the things Raven was saying. Her mind was occupied with her problem.

“Hello? Did you hear me?” Raven asked, placing her hand gingerly over Clarke’s on the table.

“No, sorry.” Clarke admitted.

“I asked if you wanted to go to a party with me tomorrow.”

Tomorrow. She couldn’t, she had a date with Bellamy.

“I can’t. I have plans.” Clarke answered, taking a bite of her eggs.

Raven tilted her head and pressed her lips together. Clarke knew she was in trouble.

After a moment Raven’s eyes widened.

“Oh my God.” Raven said. “You’re seeing someone.”

Clarke’s fingers gripped the edge of the table.

“What?” Clarke asked. “Why would you say that?”

“You’ve been distracted this entire conversation, and you’re being super vague. Clearly you’re hiding something.”

Clarke pursed her lips while Raven spoke. She didn’t know how to get out of this one.

“Maybe I’m hiding that I’m a serial killer.” Clarke evaded directly answering whether she was in a relationship or not.

“No.” Raven said assuredly. “You’re seeing someone.”

Clarke had two options. One involved a lot of creative lying, which she disliked. The other would be to give a selective truth.

Clarke still hadn’t asked Bellamy if he was okay with her telling people about them. She couldn’t break his trust. But she could tell Raven the truth and keep it anonymous. A lie of omission wasn’t a lie. That was the saying, right?

“Fine.” Clarke relented. “I am seeing someone.”

Raven smiled victoriously at her answer.

“And?” Raven asked.

“And what?”

“ _And_ what’s the issue? You wouldn’t be all mopey at breakfast with me if things were going great.”

Clarke sighed.

“I like him. Like, _really_ like him. But I’m not sure if he’s as into me.”

Raven furrowed her brows. “What would make you say that?”

“We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks but we haven’t even kissed and he’s super skittish whenever I touch him.”

“That’s weird.” Raven answered. “Dump him. Make him realize what he’s missing out on.”

Clarke laughed.

“Raven, I love you, but your solution to every guy problem is to break up with them.”

Raven threw her hands in the air. “Always works for me.”

—

She didn’t think her conversation with Raven would backfire on her. In hindsight, Clarke maybe should have specified to Raven that she didn’t want her relationship to be public knowledge.

But things have a funny way of throwing themselves back into Clarke’s face.

It was a week after Clarke spoke with her when Raven decided she wanted to watch some new Netflix Rom-Com with Clarke.

When Raven showed up with a grocery bag of assorted snacks Clarke let her in with a warm smile.

Minutes after that, when Clarke and Raven were settling in on the couch, the doorbell chimed.

Clarke’s head shot up. She was far enough away from civilization that it was rare for her to get an unwarranted visitor.

It was Bellamy—grocery bags in hand—who stood on the other side of the door when she dragged it open.

“Hey.” She said curiously. She didn’t think they had made plans tonight.

“Hey. Sorry I didn’t call, I just got off work. Thought I could cook for you.” His dark voice was velvet it her ears.

She couldn’t turn him away if she wanted to, and she certainly didn’t want to.

“Raven’s here. We’re watching a movie.” She waved him inside. “You can join if you want.”

“I’m not intruding on girl’s night?” He asked, walking into her entryway and taking his coat off.

“We don’t mind.” Clarke said.

His dark red sweater was soft to the touch when Clarke placed her hand gingerly on his upper arm. She wanted to caress it up and down, to pull herself into his arms, have them grip around her. To put her lips on him. Neck, chin, mouth, anywhere would suffice.

She just didn’t know if it was what he wanted. She resisted her desires as they walked into her living room.

Raven didn’t look surprised when she saw Bellamy. Clarke tried not to read into the contemplative look on her face.

When the movie ended, they all sat around and talked, nobody in a rush for the evening to end.

Clarke should have known it would only be so long before the trouble started.

“Do you know anything about this guy Clarke is seeing, Bellamy?” Raven asked.

Bellamy’s head shot up.

Clarke turned to stone. Her cheeks burned red and her body was unwilling to move. Embarrassment flooded her.

“No.” He answered warily.

“I’m sitting right here.” Clarke said, annoyed.

“Then tell me something about him.” Raven turned to Clarke. “Name? Hair color? Height?”

Clarke shook her head while Raven spoke. She could not believe Raven was asking these things in front of Bellamy.

“What exactly _did_ she tell you about him?” Bellamy asked slowly.

Clarke’s head shot at him in disbelief. He should know better.

“Honestly? Not much.” Raven confessed.

Clarke let out a deep breath, thinking she was in the clear, that Raven wouldn’t detail everything Clarke had confessed.

Then Raven opened her mouth again.

“Just that she’s super into him.” Clarke saw the corners of Bellamy’s mouth uptick at Ravens words. “But she doesn’t think he’s into her.”

Bellamy crossed his arms and leaned forward.

“Why?” He asked Raven.

Clarke briefly wondered if she was invisible. Would they hear her if she spoke?

Her brain scattered for a way to divert the conversation, but she came up empty.

“He won’t touch her. Won’t even kiss her. Which is ridiculous, have you seen Clarke?” Raven said.

Clarke bit her lip. Hard.

Bellamy sat back, brows furrowed, and watched the ceiling.

“Raven, stop.” Clarke said firmly, though it was too late to undo the damage done.

Clarke didn’t know whether to be furious or painfully embarrassed. She wanted to scream and hide under a rock at the same time.

“What?” Raven asked with faux innocence. “You’re funny _and_ smart _and_ hot. Full package. Plus, you’re in high demand. If this guy really wants you he should start showing it by treating you right. Otherwise he’ll lose you. Wouldn’t you agree Bellamy?”

Clarke pleaded with Bellamy to look at her, but his eyes studiously avoided hers.

“Yeah.” He said breathily.

The room filled with an uncomfortable silence. The tension was thick.

Bellamy’s eyes were trained on the floor while Raven watched Clarke with a smug smile.

Clarke just hoped Raven hadn’t scared Bellamy away.

“Oh, it’s late.” Raven said, acting as though all was normal. “I should probably head out.”

“I’ll walk you to your car.” Clarke said with a fake kind voice.

When Clarke slammed the front door behind them, she let her anger loose. “What is wrong with you?”

“I’m not stupid, Clarke.” Raven crossed her arms. “I know this ‘mystery guy’ is Bellamy. Figured it out a while ago.”

Clarke’s jaw dropped. Raven knew the entire time. And she still said those things in front of him. Her fingernails dug into the palms of her hand.

She focused on the sound of the wind gently rustling the trees to calm herself. Yelling at Raven wouldn’t solve anything, she told herself.

“I just did you a favor.” Raven said.

Clarke let out a self deprecating laugh. That felt like the opposite of a favor. She took deep breaths as Raven peeled out of her driveway. Nerves filled her gut. Bellamy probably hated her for saying those things to Raven.

When Clarke got inside, she carefully took her time turning the lock on the door. She accustomed herself to the much warmer air inside, but she couldn’t hide forever.

She turned around to find Bellamy standing directly in front of her.

He took a step forwards and she carefully walked in the opposite direction. Her back collided with the wooden door, until she was plastered to it. 

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke said, pleading with him to understand. “I never should have said anything to Raven.”

Her fingers picked at the fabric of her shorts.

Bellamy took another step forward.

“Can you say something?” She begged. She needed to know what was going on in his head.

His eyes were guarded, giving nothing away.

“You’re right.” His voice was rough. “You shouldn’t have.”

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut, awaiting his next words.

She felt his hand rest on the curve where her jaw met her neck, and her eyes shot open.

Electricity went through her at the touch. All thoughts left her brain when he looked down at her through his eyelashes. He bent down towards her face but stopped before their lips met.

His nose brushed against hers and gentle breath tickled her lips. Clarke sighed and closed her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to give in, to reach up and kiss him, but she needed to know he wanted it too. So she spoke.

“Don’t kiss me just because of what Raven said.” Clarke opened her eyes to see his still closed. His nose scrunched and Clarke’s fingers twitched. She ached to draw him.

Bellamy remained a statue. Tears pushed their way to Clarke’s eyes, but thankfully stayed at bay. He was going to kiss her out of a sense of obligation, not because he wanted to.

Clarke maneuvered away from Bellamy, walking behind him. He turned to face her, eyes expecting.

She closed her eyes when she spoke, unsure if she could survive saying this while looking at him.

“If you’re not attracted to me, please tell me now.” Clarke tried to keep her voice even.

Her skin tingled as she waited for a response.

With her eyes closed she was so tuned in to her other senses. The hardwood floor below her feet felt cold. She could faintly smell his cologne. The taste of the wine she was drinking lingered in her mouth.

Her ears were suddenly filled with the sound of his rich dark laugher. Her eyes flew open.

He was laughing at her. She had poured her heart out to him and he mocked her in return.

She shoved him harshly.

“You need to leave.” She told him walking briskly up her stairs to her bedroom. She was done with him for the evening.

She heard his steps behind her and picked up her pace.

“Clarke. Stop.” He commanded behind her.

She reached her bedroom door, but before she could walk inside he grabbed her arm and pulled her back towards him in the hallway.

He secured his hands on each of her arms, holding her in place. Clarke fought him briefly, but it was of no use. Bellamy easily overpowered her.

Once her attempts to free herself died down, Bellamy loosened his grip a little.

“You can’t run away from this, Clarke. We need to talk.”

His words hurt because they were true. She always ran from her problems. It was easier than confronting them.

“Let me go.” She gritted out through her teeth.

“Baby, do you really think I don’t want you?” He asked, eyes full of emotion.

Clarke scrunched her nose at the pet name that came off his tongue.

“I do.” He said. “I want you. So much it hurts.” The grip on her arms slackened until it was almost nonexistent. “You don’t believe me?” He asked. “I get off thinking about you almost every night.”

Clarke scoffed, her cheeks burning. Did he really say that to her? She took advantaged of his loosened grasp on her and shoved his arms away. Having him so close made it hard to think.

“How romantic.” She drawled sarcastically.

His smirk was feral. He took calculated steps towards her and Clarke moved backwards until she hit the wall next to her bedroom door.

“It’s true.” He said.

“Then why haven’t you touched me since our first date? Why do you run away every time I touch you?” These questions had burned in her mind for a long time. Her bare hands ran against the bumps of the wall, awaiting his response.

He placed his hand on the wall next to her face. Her thoughts fogged, she was mesmerized by his freckles.

“ _You_ said you wanted to take things slow.” He explained. “I don’t want to scare you off.”

Clarke nodded. She could accept his reasoning. At least she knew he wanted her.

“You won’t.” She whispered.

“Are you sure about that?” He asked darkly.

Clarke rolled her eyes at his dramatics.

“I’m not saying we need to sleep together right now.” Clarke said. “But I want our relationship to progress physically. Like, hand holding.” She moved her hand to grasp the one hanging by his side. “And touching.” Her other hand moved up to brush his hair back, before curling it around his neck. “And kissing.” She moved her body forward slowly. Her lips met the sliver of skin exposed by his shirt, directly below his collar bone. She kissed it softly before moving back to look at him.

He squeezed her hand.

“Have you thought about me, too?” He asked. “While touching yourself?” His voice sounded restrained.

Clarke’s body was on fire. She could barely contain her desire.

“Yes.” She confessed.

She watched his adam’s apple bob up and down.

After a heavy beat, his lips rushed forward to meet hers.

Initially, it was harsh, but he pulled back a bit to alleviate the pressure. His lips rested on hers sweetly, almost innocently.

When he kissed her again, some of the pressure returned. His fingers weaved into her hair and tugged. He moaned when her lips slanted against his, slightly sloppier.

His tongue swiped against the seam of her lips and she opened her mouth to it. She couldn’t stop the sounds she was making.

She scratched her nails against the base of her neck and he hummed into her mouth. The vibrations did little to quell the fire building in her.

His hand moved to her hip and pulled him against her, grinding gently. She felt him twitch, hardening slightly.

He pulled back and she had to resist chasing after his lips.

He nuzzled his face into her neck.

“I should go.” His muted voice filled her ears. “Before things get out of hand.”

She agreed and yet she couldn’t bring herself to tell him to leave.

He placed a sweet kiss to her neck and pulled back.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.”

When he left, Clarke couldn’t contain her smile. She doubted her heartbeat would die down enough to get a decent night’s rest.

She grabbed her phone, long forgotten on the couch downstairs. It had one message waiting for her.

 **Raven 11:21 pm:** _You’re welcome._

_—_

That night Clarke couldn’t fall asleep. She sat on her couch sketching Bellamy’s eyes with the cable on. She tried to remember every detail.

Her phone chimed next to her. She didn’t have to guess who the messages were from.

 **Bellamy 12:49 am:** _You awake?_

 **Clarke 12:49 am:** _Can’t sleep after what happened._

 **Bellamy 12:50 am:** _You’re killing me. I’m starting to regret leaving your house._

Clarke brought her bare knees up to her chest and hid her smile in her oversized hoodie.

 **Clarke 12:52 am:** _I should probably warn you that Raven knows about us._

 **Clarke 12:52 am:** _I didn’t tell her. I swear._

Clarke bit her lip awaiting his response.

 **Bellamy 12:53 am:** _I’m okay with it if you’re okay with it?_

 **Clarke 12:54 am:** _I’m okay with it :)_

 **Bellamy 12:55 am:** _We could tell people about us…_

 **Bellamy 12:55 am:** _It’s gonna get out eventually. It’s better if we’re in front of it._

Clarke’s smile grew, warmth building in her stomach.

_—_

After that night Bellamy became more physical with Clarke.

Their dates usually ended with them making out in Bellamy’s truck, Clarke straddling him, knees pressed into his leather seats. Bellamy would always stop things before they got out of hand. Clarke was grateful for his self control.

Most nights Clarke would fall asleep with the lingering feeling of Bellamy’s hands imprinted on her thighs.

It was a week and a half after their first kiss when Clarke woke up with a tickle in her throat.

She hoped it to be passing allergies, brought on by the change of air that spring induced. But by the time her classes were over that tickle had turned into a cold, nose plugged and leaking steady fluid, itchy eyes, fever elevated, and persistent chills.

It was far from pretty.

When Bellamy texted to see if she would be at the bar with all their friends, she told him she was too tired. It was a partial truth.

Clarke knew Bellamy. If she told him she was sick he would drop everything to take care of her. She didn’t want to ruin his night just because she wasn’t feeling good.

The last thing she remembered before passing out early that night was reading a text from Bellamy saying he would miss her.

—

Clarke awoke to the sound of light vibrations on the floor. She reached blindly over the side of her couch in search of her phone. When her fingers touched the cool metal on the carpet she grasped, pulling it towards her.

Two words in large white text illuminated the screen: Raven Reyes.

Clarke’s head ached in rhythmic pulses.

“What?” Clarke answered, putting the phone on speaker and sitting up.

Clarke placed the phone on the cushion next to her and stretched, pushing her arms upwards. She noticed a cold cup of tea from the night before left forgotten on her coffee table.

“I don’t get a ‘hello?’” Raven asked.

Clarke began collecting the used tissues that had been strewn haphazardly around her the night before. Her face scrunched in mild disgust.

“It’s seven in the morning and I feel like crap. I don’t have to say hello”

“You sound like crap too.” Raven noted.

“Can I help you?” Clarke snapped, glaring at the phone as if somehow Raven would sense her annoyed gaze.

“Yeah.” Raven paused. “I need to ask you a question but I don’t want you to get mad or jump to conclusions.”

Clarke furrowed her brow. 

“Go on.” She instructed.

“Are you and Bellamy exclusive?” She asked.

Clarke was thrown back by the question, left speechless. They had never specified. But Clarke couldn’t even entertain the thought of seeing someone else when she had Bellamy. It would be ridiculous.

“I—I don’t know.” She almost didn’t want to ask the next part, but her voiced spoke of its own accord. “Why?”

Raven sighed. “I don’t want to cause drama. I just feel like you should know.”

Clarke’s mind jumped to the worst. She held her breath, not a muscle in her body moved.

“I left the bar pretty early last night.” Raven continued. “When I was there Bellamy was talking to some girls.”

Clarke gulped. She tried to remain cool and unaffected.

“He’s allowed to talk to girls.” Clarke said with a forced aloof lilt to her voice. “Even if we were exclusive, I couldn’t get mad at that.”

“It’s not just that.” Raven countered. “The girls were flirting with him. He wasn’t _exactly_ flirting back, but he wasn’t turning them down.”

Blood rushed to Clarke’s face and her eyes stung with frustration.

“You said you left early?” Clarke asked. Her throat was closing in.

“I was there for an hour and then I left for a different party. It could honestly be nothing, Clarke. I just wanted to make sure you had all the details.”

“Thanks, Raven. I appreciate it.”

Clarke hung up the phone and sighed.

—

As the day went on Bellamy texted her a few times, but she ignored the messages. She needed to get her head in order before she faced him again.

She tried to distract herself, but her mind kept drifting to a picture of Bellamy with pretty girls all over him, touching him. She hoped he hadn’t taken anyone home the night before.

Technically he was allowed to, they hadn’t had the conversation yet. But it would still break Clarke’s heart. They had _literally_ confessed their love for each other, if he was sleeping with other girls Clarke would have to end what was between them. And maybe that was what scared Clarke the most. That his answer to what she had to ask him could bring the end of their relationship.

Her hands shook all day. By night time she still wasn’t ready to face him, but she wasn’t given a choice when he showed up at her front door.

She was surprise to see him when she opened it. He held two plastic Tupperware containers in his hand filled with what looked like chicken noodle soup.

“What are you doing here?” She asked. It took a strong effort to keep the annoyance out of her voice. She’s not sure she succeeded.

He pushed his way past her front door and toed his shoes off.

“Do you want to tell me why I had to find out from Riley that my girlfriend is sick?” He asked, ignoring her question. “ _Riley_ _,_ Clarke. We don’t even like Riley.”

She wasn’t sure he realized what he said. It was the first time he had ever referred to her as his girlfriend. She should be overjoyed. Instead, she felt a sting in her gut.

“Don’t be so dramatic. I barely have a fever, that’s it.”

He grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Clarke. I love you and I think you’re the hottest woman alive—so please don’t take this the wrong way—but you look like you got hit by a truck.”

Before she could be offended he surged forward to kiss her. She turned her head quickly so that his lips landed on her cheek. She didn’t feel like kissing him at the moment, not knowing if his lips had touched another’s recently.

He pulled back.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, rubbing a soothing hand up and down her arm.

“I’m fine.” She answered. “But I’m sick. You can’t kiss me.”

“Oh… Right.” He grimaced. “That sucks.”

She followed him as he walked to her kitchen.

“How long have you been sick?” He asked, grabbing a pot from her cabinet and turning the stove on.

She sat on the stool and rested her warm skin on the cool granite countertop. Her head throbbed when the pot clanged against the burner.

“A day.”

They stood in silence for a moment, Bellamy using a wooden spoon to warm the soup up in the pot.

“Do you have a fever?”

“Yes.”

“Are you congested?”

“Yes.”

“Sore throat?”

“Yup.” She popped the ‘P’ on her lips.

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair.

“Why didn’t you call me?” He asked.

She shrugged. “‘Cause.”

Bellamy’s jaw clenched, the defined muscles in his twitching.

She didn’t stop. She couldn’t. Pain and uncertainty rushed through her and it made her mean.

“Am I gonna get more than three words out of you at a time?” He asked.

“No.”

Bellamy slammed the spoon on her countertop. Clarke flinched at the sound.

He turned the stove off. Clarke watched him warily as he rounded the counter to approach her.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked.

Clarke bit her tongue. She didn’t speak, but she didn’t back down either. She jutted out her chin and met his eyes.

“Princess.” He sung her nickname, but his next words came out as a deep command. “Stop acting like a spoiled brat, and talk to me.”

Clarke scoffed. She moved to stand up but his strong hand pressed in on her shoulder, holding her in place.

“I’m not acting like a _brat_ _,_ Bellamy.” She spat. “I don’t feel like talking.”

The corners of his mouth curled slightly upwards.

“You’re mad at me. I can tell.” His eyebrows danced as he spoke. “You didn’t tell me you were sick yesterday. Then you ignored me all day today. And now I show up here with food for you— _trying_ to take care of you—and you’re acting like I ran your cat over—“

“I don’t have a cat.”

“It’s a metaphor, Clarke. Don’t try and change the subject.” He dropped his hands down to his sides and took a step away from her. “I’ll ask you one more time: Did I so something wrong?”

Clarke shook her foot where it dangled, releasing her nerves. It wasn’t how she wanted to ask it, but the question escaped her lips before she could think better of it.

“Are you seeing other people?”

The silence that follows was painful. Bellamy looked physically taken aback.

A few beats passed before his response came.

“ _What_ _?_ ” He asked incredulously.

Her words flowed at an unnaturally fast pace, not filtering through her brain, but going straight out of her mouth.

“Raven said she saw your at the bar last night with some girls—”

“Clarke.”

“—and it got me thinking that we never really had _the_ talk about if we we’re exclusive or not—“

“Clarke.”

“—but I kinda assumed we are so I need you to tell me if you’re seeing other people because I don’t think _—“_

“Clarke!”

He secured her face in between his hands and Clarke’s words came to a halt.

His calloused palms scratched at her cheeks.

“Let’s get one thing clear.” He said firmly, peering into her eyes. “I am _not_ seeing other people. Or sleeping with other people. And you better not be either.”

His sentence was a statement but his eyes were questioning.

“I’m not.” She said. Relief flushed through her at his words.He wanted her and only her. She could have cried.

“Good.” He replied, his voice light. “Now if it’s alright with you, I’d like to kiss my girlfriend.”

“Bell, I’m sick.” She protested weakly.

“I don’t care.”

His lips descended onto hers for a sweet innocent kiss.

When he pulled back he was smiling. He let go of her face.

“I don’t know what Raven saw, but I swear there was nothing happed last night. I was talking to a few people, but I _never_ would try to flirt with anyone.” He told her.

Clarke had been cheated on before. She knew the cheater always denied any claims against them, but Clarke knew Bellamy. Bellamy was better than that. He would never lie to her.

“I trust you, Bellamy.” She said. “And you’re allowed to talk to girls if you want. It was stupid of me to get jealous like that.”

Bellamy smirked at her.

“I thought it was kinda cute.”

Clarke shook her head.

“It’s not cute to be jealous. It’s unhealthy.”

Bellamy twined her fingers into his.

“Is it unhealthy that I want to kiss you again?” He asked.

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. He wasn’t making any sense.

“If you don’t stop kissing me you’re gonna get sick.”

“No I won’t. My immune system is impenetrable.”

He kissed her again. She didn’t stop him.

—

Bellamy got sick the next day. Clarke cooked him chicken noodle soup and didn’t kiss him once.

 —

Clarke poured the remains of her icy drink down her throat. The alcohol tickled its way through. She shoved her way through crowd of people, back towards the kitchen.

Jasper’s place was large enough to squeeze a decent amount of people into it, which was his excuse to invite basically everyone in town to the parties he threw.

As warm bodies pressed around her, Clarke faintly heard a crack of thunder shake the walls. She wondered where Bellamy was. They had showed up together, but the moment they entered the house they were pulled in different directions. She hadn’t seen him since.

When she rounded the corner she collided into a solid chest. The drink in her hand fell to the ground, the plastic red cup clattered around and threw a few ice cubes across the dark hardwood.

Both her and the man she ran into bent down to grab her cup, but he reached it first.

Clarke stood up. The face of the man before her was sharp and unique, his long straight hair brushed his shoulders where in dangled. His dark eyes fell below her neckline, no doubt in Clarke’s mind that he was enjoying her cleavage.

Clarke rolled her eyes.

He held her empty cup out to her and she grabbed it with a tight smile.

“Thanks.” She muttered.

She turned around, eyes searching to find Bellamy’s head. Her height gave her a disadvantage, she couldn’t see past the few people in front of her.

Before she could continue her search, she felt the pressure of a hand on her shoulder.

She turned around to find the same man she ran into was still there, now touching her. Annoyance passed through her.

“I’m sorry about your drink.” He said. “Can I get you another one?”

Clarke stepped away from the man, and his hand fell off of her shoulder. She opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by the feeling of a warm arm wrapping around her waist.

She didn’t have to turn to know it was Bellamy behind her, his piney scent was distinguishable, and the way his body curved into hers was immediately discernible.

His fingers found a sliver of skin on her waist, exposed by her shirt riding up, and he scratched there with the pads of his digits. Goosebumps rose across her skin.

“The storm’s getting worse, babe.” He said. “We should head out.”

His eyes were dark.

Clarke looked back to where the man stood to find him gone.

Bellamy squeezed at the curve of her hip.

“Yeah.” Clarke agreed. “Let’s go.”

When they stepped outside the rain was present, but minimal. They were able to make it to Bellamy’s truck without getting too wet.

He put the heat on full blast and pulled onto the road. Bellamy clicked his high beams on experimentally and, seemingly satisfied with the results, left them shining.

“Who was that guy?” He asked nonchalantly, but Clarke could see the way his knuckles turned white on the steering wheel.

“No idea.” She said.

Bellamy cleared his throat. “You were taking to him.” He said. “Obviously you know him somehow.”

Clarke leaned her head on the window, unbothered by the accusation.

“I ran into him and spilled my drink of the floor.” Clarke explained. “He stared at my tits and asked if he could get me a drink.” Clarke placed her cold fingers in front of the vent above his glovebox, enjoying the steady stream of warm air. “You showed up before I could tell him no.”

“What a tool.” Bellamy said.

Clarke hummed in agreement.

Bellamy’s grip on the wheel loosened slightly, though not entirely.

He didn’t speak for the rest of the ride, allowing the static radio to fill the air. But he did move one hand to rest on her upper thing, gripping lightly.

Goosebumps formed across her skin every time his pinky finger teased her inner thigh.

Clarke felt her body thrum at his touch. Tension filled the air.

A steak of lightning shot across the sky, outlining the dark clouds behind it in a faint purple glow. The sight was quickly followed by a powerful thunder.

The rain increased steadily as they neared her house to the point where the sky was dumping sheets of water onto the ground.

Clarke closed her eyes and listened as the rain violently slammed the truck.

When she felt the truck slow and heard Bellamy click on the blinker, she knew they were at her house. They turned into her driveway and the motion pressed Clarke even further into the door she was leaning on.

Clarke was thrown forwards when the truck came to an abrupt halt. She opened her eyes to see the headlights illuminating a large tree, fallen directly across the front of her long flat driveway. They wouldn’t be able to drive past it. Branches were scattered everywhere.

A crew wouldn’t be able to get to her house and take care of it, not in this storm. She would have to wait until everything cleared up. Hopefully tomorrow.

Bellamy pushed the gear into park. Clarke began undoing the miniature buckle on her heels

“I’ll take you to your door.” He said.

Clarke glanced at Bellamy. “You’ll get soaked.” She protested.

He raised one eyebrow slightly, as if daring her to challenge him. “I’m not gonna let you walk out into a storm alone.”

Clarke sighed. Bellamy pulled the keys out of the ignition and grabbed the door handle.

“Ready?” He asked.

Clarke nodded, heels dangling from her fingers.

Clarke shoved her door open and was met with harsh winds that blew bucket of water into her face. She was soaked instantly. Throwing her door closed, she ran forward. When she got to the fallen tree she lifted her legs over it, one after the other. She eyed Bellamy, who was behind her. Once he was past the obstacle, she ran. She ran fast and didn’t stop until she was safe under her porch, dripping onto the stained wood.

Her breaths were fast pants from the exertion. She looked over at Bellamy, who had a small puddle below his feet. His hair was plastered to his forehead and he was soaked completely. His dress shirt clung to his stomach, accentuating his form, and Clarke inhaled sharply at the sight. Lust overtook her.

“Don’t go home.” She said before she could think better of it.

“Clarke.” He protested weakly. His eyes told her he was fighting a war within himself.

“Come inside.” She told him.

He nodded.

She unlocked the door and swung it open. They entered quickly, before much warm air could escape the home.

Clarke dropped her dripping heels on the floor. She stood facing the door, turning the lock into place.

Before she could turn around, she felt Bellamy close in behind her. His body didn’t touch hers like she expected, rather he left generous space between them. She arched back to meet him but he pulled a way.

Bellamy tisked at her.

“You want this, Clarke?” He asked. His voice made a whine escape her lips. She really wanted it.

Fully aware that he couldn’t read her mind, she nodded rapidly.

His fingers brushed her hair away from her neck. Clarke shivered when his warm breath fanned near her ear. Droplets of water ran down her arm from her still sopping clothes.

Clarke’s jaw fell open when Bellamy’s lips attracted to her neck. He sucked harshly and scratched his tongue at her neck. She held her breath.

Clarke bit her lip hard. She rolled her hips back but his hands surged forwards and grabbed at both sides of her hips, holding her in place. She could feel her heart beat in her ears.

“Bellamy.” She whined. She desperately needed something more.

“You’re okay.” He said. His right hand moved down to her ass and massaged roughly.

“Please, Bell.” She begged. Her fingernails scratched at the wooden door.

His mouth moved to the spot right below the cut of her chin, mouthing wetly.

She grabbed his hand, the one still on her hip, and pulled it up to her breast. He complied without an ounce of resistance. Warmth shot through her when he squeezed her sensitive nipple through the material of her shirt.

Clarke threw her head back.

With both his hand occupied, she was able to push back without resistance. She rolled her hips back onto him and felt his hardness against her ass.

He moaned loudly and pulled away completely.

Clarke felt a strange sensation at her distance, like something vital was supposed to be there, but it wasn’t.

She turned to face him. Her exposed skin and hair were slowly drying, but the clothes on her body were still wet, causing chills to go through her.

Hairs on her arm stood tall as she shivered. Bellamy noticed.

“You’re cold?” He asked, vein in his neck straining.

She nodded, looking up athim though her lashes. His pupils were blown wide.

She watched as his lips turned upwards. “Then come here, baby.”

Clarke didn’t hesitate to move into his arms. He grabbed her face and licked deeply into her mouth.

Her hands moved to the buttons of his dress shirt, undoing them one by one as his lips moved against hers.

When she reached the last one, he slid his shirt off his arms and threw it shirt behind him without breaking the kiss.

Her hands moved to his belt, but her grabbed her fingers and pulled them back, halting her efforts. He walked backwards, pushed her against the wall, and locked her hands above her head.

Bellamy broke any from the kiss. “You want me, Clarke?” He asked sweetly, biting her chin.

“Yeah.” She panted.

He let her hands go, but she kept them where he placed them.

“Good.” He responded.

He tugged at the fabric of her shirt and then pulled it upwards. She helped him maneuver it over her head before dropping it on the ground.

“God.” He said, staring for a moment.

He moved his mouth to her tits. He bit her nipples gently through her bra and Clarke gasped. The sensation forced her eyes closed. She weaved her fingers through his hair and held his head in place.

Clarke wasn’t sure she had ever felt an emotion this euphoric before. Senses dulled while others heightened.

He sucked harshly at an exposed part of her breast. Knowing it would leave a mark made another surge of attraction rush through Clarke.

She tugged gently at his hair and brought his lips back up to hers. Her lips closed around his lower lip and she sucked gently.

Her hips moved forwards in an attempt to grind against him, but the feeling was lacking, it wasn’t enough to satiate the building desire.

“Bell.” She whined.

“I’ve got you.” He replied. His hands moved to her thighs, tugging upwards gently. She complied and with jump he secured both of her legs around his waist. He held her up against the wall.

From this angle she was able to push against him properly. The pressure building in her was alleviated ever so slightly.

Clarke felt them move backwards, away from the wall. Without a wall to support her back, she clung even closer to him.

Bellamy walked them up the stairs with his mouth attached to her neck and, God, was it impressive that he could carry her like that.

When they reached her bedroom he threw her onto her bed. Clarke bounced a few times. Her eyes met Bellamy’s. He watched her from above with dark eyes, he looked like he was seconds from devouring her. She was counting down the time.

When he crawled over her, there was still passion, but it was softer than before. He kissed her once and then pulled back.

“I love you.” He said in a hushed whisper directly over her mouth.

“I love you too.” Her lips brushed against his when she spoke. 

From them on every touch Bellamy gave her both soft and firm. He thrusted into her slowly until she was screaming his name. Seconds later he followed after her, moaning into her shoulder.

When it ended Clarke basked in the afterglow, letting her racing heart beat gradually slow as Bellamy played with her hair absentmindedly.

Description of how she felt evaded her—words not quite fitting into place in her fuzzy brain—but she knew she had never been as happy as she was in the moment.

—

When Clarke woke up the next morning the sun was glaring at her through the window. The silence beyond the walls of her home told her the storm had long passed. She squinted her eyes and buried her head farther into the bed. When the memories of the night before filled her mind, she couldn’t keep the dopey smile on her face.

She pulled her sheets up to her neck and snuggled into the warmth of her bed. When she reached out for Bellamy, unsure of why she wasn’t already holding him, she found the spot empty.

Faint disappointment tingled across her skin.

She closed her eyes and noticed the spray of the shower turn off coming from her bathroom. A moment later the noise disappeared.

Clarke stood up slowly. When she walked into the bathroom, he was securing the towel around his hips. Clarke bit her bottom lip at the sight.

Steam was still escaping from the glass encased shower.

“Good Morning.” She said, affection in her voice.

Bellamy looked up, seemingly startled.

“Morning.” He responded, his tone even.

Clarke blinked.

No kiss, no fond smile, no snarky comment, no ‘ _did you sleep wel_ _l?’_

All she got was ‘ _morning_ _.’_

His gaze briefly scraped over her body, but never landed on her eyes. He moved to the sink and Clarke tried not to describe the feeling in the air as awkwardness.

She placed her hand just above the bend of his elbow as she bent down to grab him a spare toothbrush from under her cabinets. His muscles tensed at the touch. Clarke felt a sting of rejection flush through her. Her cheeks turned bright red. When she stood up she pulled her hand away from him.

He muttered a _thanks_ when she handed it to him, but still wouldn’t look at her.

Clarke grabbed began to brush her teeth at the same time as him, the running sink filling the silence in the air. Her fingers laid on the cool white slab on the counter.

When he finished, he set his bright pink toothbrush into the mug next to where her’s was.

“Do you have power tools?” He asked.

Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah.” She mumbled, toothbrush still him mouth. “Why?”

“So I can get that tree out of the way for you.” He said like it was obvious.

She could see him in the mirror, standing behind her. His eyes were on the floor. She spit into the sink and rinsed off her toothbrush. 

“No.” She told him. “It’ll take you all day. I can get a professional crew out here this afternoon.” She turned around to face him.

“It’ll cost you a small fortune. I can do it for free.” He reasoned. “I used to do this stuff all the time.” Bellamy had often picked up jobs like this to get himself through college.

Clarke chewed on the inside of her cheek. She knew when to pick her fights, and right now with the light shame in her bones, she didn’t feel like fighting.

“They’re in the shed out back.” She explained to him. He nodded.

He walked into her bedroom and she followed him. 

“I’m gonna go grab a change of clothes at my house.” Bellamy said. “Then I’ll get right to it.”

Clarke couldn’t comprehend why the rush was necessary, but Bellamy seemed eager to leave her house. She wanted to throw up. So much for a romantic morning after.

“Oh.” Clarke said. “Okay. Bye.”

He was running down the stairs shouting goodbye before Clarke could even process that he was gone. She collapsed back onto her bed and ran her hands over her face.

—

It was about six o’clock that night when Bellamy threw her front door open.

He had been outside all day, clearing up the larger fallen trees. Clarke had spent a good portion of the day in her yard. Gathering smaller branches, pulling weeds, and mowing the lawn. As the afternoon went on, the nice sunny weather was replaced with dark clouds and light rain.

She had barely spoken to Bellamy since the morning.

Clarke was cooking pasta in her kitchen(Bellamy’s favorite)when she heard the door slam shut. 

“Food should be ready in fifteen.” She yelled.

“I’m gonna shower, then I’ll be down.” He called back. His voice sounded tired and Clarke wished she could see him, know that he was okay.

Clarke had eaten about an hour ago, too hungry to wait for him, so when he came down there was a bowl of steaming hot pasta and a glass of water for him on her table.

He sat at the table and scarfed it down. Quickly. Clarke knew he must have been starved from his day of exertion.

“Can I get you a beer?” She asked after she finished the dishes.

He looked up into her eyes for what was probably the first time that day, but only for a second, before his gaze shifted back to the table.

He swallowed and took a swig of his water.

“I’m okay.” He smiled unevenly, like it pained him.

Clarke’s heart ached at the tennis between them. She hoped his mood would have worn off, but he now seemed resolute in being standoffish.

Clarke watched him sadly, taking in the details of his face. She noticed something red peeking out of the side of his head, just past where his hair fell.

She moved towards him, hoping it wasn’t what it looked like.

When she reached him she brushed his hair back and saw a medium sized gash just above his temple. Dried blood fell in streaks down his head, concealed by his hair. He must have cut himself while working in her yard.

“Bellamy.” She chastised him. “Why didn’t you tell me you got hurt?”

He grabbed her hand and pulled it away from his face, then released it from his grip. “It’s harmless.” He mumbled. “Barely a cut.”

Clarke shook her head.

“Barely a cut? Have you looked at it in the mirror?” Realistically she knew he was fine, but she was upset at the sight of him hurt. “It could get infected. You need to let me clean it.”

She walked away to grab her first aid kit before he could get out a protest.

When she came back into the dining room he was in the same spot, scrolling through his phone.

“Face me.” She told him.

He scooted his chair around towards her. She nudged his legs open with her knee and then moved in between them. It was her turn to avoid eye contact.

She was close to him and could feel the warmth radiate off his body. His hair smelt vaguely like her shampoo and she tried not to smile at the thought. But she couldn’t be happy. Not when his hands hung limply at his sides instead of gripping her hips. Not when his muscles tensed every time the she swayed closer to him.

There was an ache in her throat that made it hard to breathe. She concentrated on remaining unbothered.

She pulled his hair back and used a wet fabric to wipe away the blood from his forehead. Once it was clean she squeezed Neosporin onto her pointer finger and wiped it across the cut. He inhaled sharply at the sting of the first touch, but closed his eyes when the relief came. She grabbed a bandaid and secured it over the cut. Before she could think better of it she leaned forward and gently kissed over the bandaid.

Bellamy froze at the touch and Clarke wanted to scream. She stepped back quickly.

The lump in her throat was resolute. Standing in front of him, the thought she had been avoiding all day escaped her lips before she could stop it. “Was it not good for you?”

It was the only explanation she could think of for his behavior, given that it was the only thing that had changed between them

He looked up at her in shock. “What?”

Clarke’s head throbbed and her heart stung. She hated that she had to spell it out for him. Hated it even more that she knew what the answer would be.

“The…” She blushed. “The sex.”

Bellamy’s eyes dawned with realization.

“No.” He said quickly.

Clarke pulled back, her eyes stinging. She had never had complaints before, but Bellamy was so experienced compared to her. Of course he had higher expectations, expectations she clearly didn’t live up to.

She had known that he might not be as overwhelmed with her as she was with him. But she was not prepared for it to be so bad that he would treat her like this.

“Okay.” She said, trying to mask her pain. “I understand.” She didn’t.

“Wait.” Bellamy almost shouted. Clarke looked up. “I didn’t say ‘no’ like ‘it wasn’t good.’ I meant ‘no’ like ‘that’s not the issue.’”

Clarke stood a foot in front of him, trying to understand his words. She pulled her top lip over her bottom lip. He was saying that the sex wasn’t a problem, which was good, but there still was a problem, which was bad. The uncertainty made Clarke squirmy.

“Then why are you treating me like this?” She asked, finally.

Bellamy closed his eyes, looking ashamed. When he opened he watched her warily.

“You’re so much better than me, Clarke.” He said. “You deserve better than me.” Clarke shook her head fast at his words. “Last night was everything I could have ever wanted, it was the best night of my life, and _all_ I could think of after was that if I lost you, I would be devastated.” His eyes were sad. “I wouldn’t be able to move on.”

“Neither would I.” Clarke argued.

“I think you would.” He said, voice breaking. “You’ve loved people before, and you’ll love people again. But for me, you’re it.” Clarke took a step back, devastated at the things he was implying. “I will _never_ love someone like I love you.”

“I won’t either, Bellamy.” She plead. “I don’t care about people from my past. All I care about is you.” She plead.

“You say that now, but…” His voice trailed off and he shrugged.

Clarke felt the muscles in her neck tighten in anger. She hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Why does it matter that I’ve been in a few other serious relationships?” She raised an eyebrow, shaking her head in disbelief. “You don’t see me getting upset that you’ve slept with every other girl in this town.”

The look on his face was almost enough to make her regret the words.

“I’m gonna go.” He said harshly, standing up and walking towards the door.

A question burnt in Clarke’s mind. She couldn’t let him leave without knowing.

“Is this it for us?” Her question came out numbly.

Bellamy stopped. He was faced away from her and he didn’t turn around.

“No.” He said. “I don’t know.” Clarke’s face hurt. She reminded herself to breathe. “I need to think.”

It wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair. He didn’t get to make her happy and then make her miserable. He had no right to make promises and then act like she would break them, when she gave him no indication.

She knew it was his insecurities talking, and parts of her desired to comfort him. But he wouldn’t listen. If she tried right now, she was afraid it would rip them apart.

She let him leave.

—

Clarke had been told she was a runner. She had been told that so many times that she had embraced it. When problems arose, she avoided them and she ran.

When she was eight she broke the porcelain vase in her home. She ran to her tree house and stayed there for hours until her parents found her.

When she was sixteen and got into a huge fight with her Mom. She ran back to Arkadia—to her Dad. She refused to go back to Mecha for a whole week.

So when Bellamy told her he wasn’t so sure about them, she didn’t fight the instinct. She packed her bags and she drove straight to Wells’ apartment.

Wells welcomed her with open arms. She stayed there for a few days. Bellamy didn’t text her and she didn’t text him. They both were active in the group chats between their friends, but there was no one-on-one interaction.

Clarke was mad at him. She tried not to be, but she was. She had done everything in her power to show him how much she loved him—he had seen her be devastated by the thought of him not loving her—and he still questioned how much she cared for him.

She wondered if it was his excuse. If he didn’t want to be with her but didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so he lied and pushed her away. Well, Clarke thought, if he wanted to break up with her he would have to say it and he would have to be honest about it.

When Wells came home from school a few days into her stay, she was sitting on his balcony wasting time on her phone(she was definitely _not_ hoping Bellamy would reach out to her).

“Oh.” Wells said when he stepped outside. “You’re still here.”

Clarke scoffed.

“Warm welcome.” She teased.

They sat in silence for a moment, watching the city buzz below them.

“You’re running.” He told her. “From your problems.”

She could feel his eyes on her.

“I know.” She admitted.

Wells sat in the chair next to her.

“Nothing can be resolved if you’re here.”

She was grateful for him. He’s always honest, yet soft. His words rarely hurt.

“I have to go back.” She realized aloud.

Wells simply nodded.

—

She drove home that night. She knew from the group chat that all her friends were at the bar. Impulsively, she decided she needed a drink. A drink and a relaxing night. So instead turning towards her house, she drove straight into town.

With her knees keeping the wheel steady on the straight flat road, she sent a text.

 **Clarke 8:23 pm:** _Change of plans. I’m coming tonight. Save me a seat?_

She chucked her phone into the passengers seat and didn’t check the messages as it periodically lit up.

Bellamy hadn’t said whether he would be there or not in the previous texts she had read, and she secretly hoped he wouldn’t. She needed a stress-free night, and neither of them were ready to hash out what had happened.

When she walked into the bar most of her friends were fairly tipsy.

Her heart sped up when she spotted Bellamy leaning back into his seat. Even in her anguish, she was _so_ unbelievably attracted to him. There was an empty chair next to him, but she sat next to Raven instead.

Raven gave her a strange look, but Clarke distracted her with questions.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Bellamy stand up.

A few minutes later he returned. A full beer smacked the table in front of her, sloshing a bit onto the table.

“Here you go, babe.” He said, sitting down into the chair next to her. Clarke stiffened.

_Babe?_

A few days ago he was telling her they needed to slow down and now he was getting her drinks and calling her babe in front of everyone.

“You look beautiful.” He told her, eyes roaming up and down. Why would he say that?

Clarke’s skin stung. She ignored him, sipping on her beer, and inserted herself into the debate taking place around her.

“iPhone’s are better.” She said, which received four high five’s and at least three ‘boo’s.

When she leaned back in her seat Bellamy put his hand around the back of her chair. She tried not to be affected.

A minute later he arched towards her. His mouth came up to her ear.

“Can we talk?” He whispered. His hand found its way to her upper thigh as he spoke, settling atop the fabric of her dress.

Clarke looked at him. She didn’t want to talk. She wanted a relaxing night.

She opened her mouth but at the same time someone began tugging on her arm.

“Come dance.” Raven insisted from her other side.

Clarke didn’t have to think twice before standing up and following Raven.

—

It took only ten minutes of dancing for Clarke to realize she wasn’t in the mood to dance. She couldn’t get lost in the music when Bellamy was right there, being confusing and sending her a hundred different signals.

Deciding she would need a much stronger drink before she could possibly enjoy the night, she pushed out of the dancing bodies and walked towards the bar.There was a large group of bodies in between her and her destination. When she tried to squeeze past them someone—clearly unaware of their surroundings—jostled back into her. She lost her feet for a second and slammed into someone’s back.

“I’m so sorry.” She said to the white shirt as it turned around.

The face she encountered was familiar. It took hearing his voice for the gears to click into place.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” The man said.

It was the same man she had run into at Jasper’s party, the one with the sharp face. His hair was now pulled back behind his head.

She moved to walk away, but he followed her.

“C’mon, this is the second time you’ve run into me. Don’t I at least deserve your name?” He asked.

Clarke turned around sharply. There was only one reason he was interested in her and it was something she definitely didn’t want.

“I don’t owe you anything.” She said firmly.

“Hey.” The guys called out as she walked away again. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

He seemed offended that she would imply his actions were demanding and unwanted, but that’s exactly what they were.

Clarke was ready to tell him off when Bellamy appeared next to her, looking full of rage.

Bellamy shoved the man’s shoulder, not enough to hurt him but enough to make him stumble back.

Can’t you tell when a girl’s not interested?” Bellamy asked, his hands balling into fists by his side.

Clarke stepped in front of him.

“I can handle myself, Bellamy.”

Clarke looked back at the man. He threw his hands in the air in surrender and walked away.

“You’re welcome.” Bellamy said smugly to her.

Clarke scoffed and walked away, towards the bar. She didn’t understand him.

When she reached the bar she leaned her weight onto her front toes, waiting for the occupied bartender.

She felt Bellamy come up behind her. His scent gave him away instantly. His hands rested on her hips and she fought the urge to lean into his touch.

His face moved close to her and his lips pressed against the underside of her jaw softly.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. It didn’t make everything okay. She stepped to the side.

“What’s your problem, Bellamy?” She asked, facing him. His behavior was so strange. “A few days ago you couldn’t even look at me, now you’re acting like nothing’s wrong.”

Bellamy was silent for a moment, seemingly fighting an internal war.

“Can we please go talk somewhere?” He asked.

Clarke thought about it. Internal conflict waged within her. Logic said no but heart said yes.

She gave in.

“Lead the way.” She told him.

Bellamy grabbed her hands and began pulling her through the crowds of people.

They walked down a dark hallway, passing only a few people. When they reached thebathroom door Bellamy wiggled the handle. When it opened he dragged her inside. There was a single toilet, a mirror, and a sink in the room. The walls were covered in posters and writing. He locked the door behind them.

Clarke stood in the center of the room and watched him.

“I’ve been thinking a lot since that day.” He said. “I don’t know what I was saying. It was all wrong.” He pleaded. He stepped towards her but Clarke moved back. She didn’t want him to think she was comfortable with them being physical yet. “I’ve been a bad boyfriend. You deserve to be treated so much better. I know I don’t deserve you. But I—“

“That’s the problem.” Clarke cut him off. “You _do_ deserve me.” There was no doubt in her mind. “But even if you didn’t, it’s not about who we deserve. Its about who we choose.” Clarke took a step forward, though the distance between them was still generous. Her hair tickled her cheeks. “I choose _you_ _._ I need you to respect that.”

“I can.” Bellamy offered. “I will.” He promised.

Clarke was ready to accept it when her eye caught the bandaid peeking out of the corner of his hair. It all flooded back to her. The feelings of rejection, of unworthiness.

“Okay.” She said. “But, Bellamy?”

“Yeah?”

Clarke didn’t want to open up. She wanted to hide her thoughts deep down. But she knew it would be better for them in the long run, so she pushed herself out of her comfort zone.

“I’ve been told by therapists growing up—and by anyone with eyes, really—that I have abandonment issues.” She swallowed thickly. “When you left the other day, it hurt. Bad.”

His eyes were cast downward, likely knowing he had done things to contribute to those issues. _The gallery,_ her mind supplied her. And all this time later it still stung.

“I don’t hold anything you’ve done in the past against you.” She told him. Her hands reached out to grab his. She needed him to look at her. “I never will.” She forgave him for the gallery long ago. What else could she do? “But you can’t treat me like you hate me and then and leave me. I can’t handle that. You _have_ to talk to me. Communicate with me. Anything.” She plead.

Bellamy’s eyes were shining. “I will.”

She believed he wanted his words to be true.

He pulled her into a hug and she buried her face in his chest. His hands wove comfortingly into her hair.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

She didn’t know whether to accept it or just let it be. She said nothing.

“I love you.” He said.

And that? That she knew how to respond to.

“I love you too.”

—

She woke up the next morning in Bellamy’s arms and the only thing she felt was bliss.

The morning went by the way Clarke wished most mornings would.

After a healthy amount of cuddling with Bellamy, she rolled out of Bed and pulled on her jogging shorts. When he asked her why on earth she was getting dressed, she explained and he didn’t hesitate to ask to join. When they got back they showered and then made and ate pancakes—her’s with chocolate chips, his with bananas.

“I stopped by yesterday.” Bellamy said, dropping his dish into her sink and rinsing it. “In the morning. You weren’t here.”

Clarke took a final bite of her toast and swallowed.

“Oh. Uh, I was with Wells.”

Clarke noticed the way his movements paused for a brief moment.

“You spent the day with him?” He asked, a slight strain in his voice.

Staying with Wells was like second nature to her, she didn’t even think about how Bellamy would feel about it.

“No. I was there all weekend. I left after our fight.”

Bellamy’s jaw ticked a few times and he shut the faucet off with more force than necessary.

“Okay.” Was all he said. “I should head to work.”

Clarke threw her head back and sighed.

“Don’t be like this, baby.” Clarke whined, her voice exasperated.

“Like what?” Bellamy said. The speed of his response made it impossible to maintain his unaffected attitude.

“I’m sorry if me staying with Wells upset you.” She was. “But if it did, you need to communicate that.”

Bellamy ran a hand quickly over his face. Clarke awaited his response.

“Were you ever with him?” He asked. “Like, physically? Or even emotionally?”

“Never.” Her words were resolute.

“I’m not mad.” He confessed. “I just need some time to think.”

Maybe he wasn’t mad, but Clarke was.

“You’re doing it again, Bellamy.”

She wanted to scream, but her voice stayed calm.

“Doing what? I _just_ said I’m not mad.” His hand hit the cool granite countertop.

“You clearly are. I didn’t even do anything wrong.” She didn’t know how true that last part was. “You’re making our problems bigger than they are.”

Bellamy stepped back, looking offended.

“You didn’t do anything wrong?” He asked, in mockery. The calm smile on his face made her nervous. “You ran from a fight with me straight into the arms of a man who’s in love with you—“

“—Wells is _not_ in love with me—“

“—how do you think that makes me feel?” She could see the worries in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. I really am.” Clarke squeezed her fingers. “I didn’t know it bothered you this much. I won’t do it again.”

Bellamy stepped away and grabbed his backpack that was on the floor resting against the wall, slinging it over his shoulder.

“I have to go to work.” His voice lacked emotion. “We’ll talk later.”

Clarke didn’t respond, there was no use. She dropped her head onto the cold countertop with a bang.

—

Clarke realized half an hour after he left that she would need something to distract herself. So she wrote a list. With a pen in hand, she began to scribble on her pad.

 _-_     _Go grocery shopping(milk, eggs, turkey, and get something for dinner)_

_\-   Write Business paper_

_\-   Turn in Business paper_

_\-   Mow lawn_

_\-   Wash car_

_\-   Pay car insurance_

_\-   Clean closet_

By the end of the day her list was complete, and most importantly she had thought about Bellamy a very minimal amount.

Of course she had called and texted him a few times, but once it was clear he was ignoring her she stopped trying.

When she got into bed that night she was tired enough that her mind shut itself off almost instantly.

—

Clarke woke to her phone ringing. Outside it was still dark, the bold numbers on her screen read: 1:03 am.

Below that number, the caller revealed. It was John Murphy, Clarke’s face scrunched up into a sour expression. She clicked the power button to silence the rings and let her phone go to voicemail. She pushed her face back into her pillow and closed her eyes, embracing the warmth of sleep.

A minute later her phone rang again.

Clarke groaned loudly. She pulled the phone harshly out of its charger and swiped right, placing the speaker next to her ear.

“What?” She gritted out.

Clarke sat her back up against her headboard and drew her knees to her chest.

“Whoa.” He drawled. “Who pissed in your coffee this morning?”

Clarke cut to the chase. “Say what you need to say before I hang up.”

“No pleasantries for me, Griffin?” He sounded drunk.

Clarke pressed her lips to her knees.

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” His voice came fast. “I’m at the bar with Bellamy.”

Clarke’s head shot up.

“Explain.” She commanded.

“We came together, but we’re too drunk to drive home. He’s a lot worse than me, actually. Anyways, my girlfriends coming to get me but she won’t take Bellamy home. Which is where you come into the equation.”

Clarke chewed on the inside of her cheek.

“I’ll be there in fifteen.”

She hung up.

—

On the drive over Clarke wondered what on earth Bellamy was doing hanging out with John Murphy of all people. Clarke didn’t just wonder, she worried. She worried and worried and worried until she couldn’t worry any more because she was walking into the bar searching for Bellamy.

It was nearly empty inside, aside from a few lonesome drunks. She spotted Bellamy hunched over a table, his head resting on his arms. His eyes were closed.

She walked up to him and brushed his hair back with her fingers.

“Bell. Get up.” She whispered softly.

His eyes opened slowly and recognition dawned behind his glazed expression.

“Clarke. Hey.” He words were slurred, molding together. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m taking you home.” Her voice was soft and steady, in contrast to his loud uneven voice. “Let’s go.”

He caught her off guard with his strength, pulling her down so that she was sitting sideways across his leg.

They were almost face to face.

“I can’t leave without a kiss.” He told her with a dopey grin.

Clarke leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.

He hummed happily.

“Will you leave now?” She asked, grabbing at his forearm.

He leaned forward, burying his face in her neck, and hummed in the affirmative.

She teased the curls at the base of his neck, tugging lightly at them with his fingers and he laughed, biting at her neck.

She pulled back and stood up.

“Did you bring a coat?” She asked.

His head shook back and forth, his curls swaying lightly.

She opened her mouth again. “Where’s you phone and wallet?”

His hands patted on both of his front pockets.

“Good.” She said. “I’m gonna go pay your tab. Then we can leave.”

When she got to the bartender, she was surprised to find that his drinks had already been payed for. She quickly apologized for any trouble Bellamy and Murphy might have caused before heading back to grab Bellamy.

He was right where she left him, except now he was standing, leaning back against the wall.

“Let’s go, Bell.” She told him, maybe more harshly that intended. Sue her, she was tired.

He followed her out, insisting on walking with a hand around her shoulder.

When they reached Clarke’s car, she opened his door for him and helped him get inside.

“Can you get your seatbelt?” She asked from outside the car.

“No.” Was all has got out of him.

She rubbed at her temple for a moment and grabbed his seatbelt, reaching over him to click it in place.

“You smell good.” Bellamy told her, but Clarke pulled away. When she was sure all his limbs were in the car she shut his door and ran over to get into the drivers side.

When she pulled onto the main road, her eyes drooped. She had to be up early the next day and head to the city for her classes. She tried not to count the hours of sleep she would be getting. The number—without a doubt—would be discouraging.

“I’m _so_ hungry.” Bellamy mused from his seat.

Even if Clarke was inclined to stop and get him food, nearly no places would be open at this hour.

“There’s food at your house.” She told him, leaning over to close the glove box he was attempting to empty, presumably in search for a snack.

Bellamy sat up, back straight, and turned to Clarke.

“I don’t wanna go to my house.” He said.

“Why not?” Clarke asked, stifling a yawn with her fist.

“Cause you won’t be there.” He still sounded drunk, but Clarke could tell by his tone that he had sobered up ever so slightly. “Take me to your house.”

Clarke felt a chill go through her, she turned the fiddled with the heater until she was satisfied.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She said, finally.

“Why not?” He parroted her earlier words.

“We’re in a fight right now.” She said. “And when you sober up you probably won’t be happy that you’re with me.”

“I’m always happy when I’m with you.” His hand grabbed her knee. “Please.” He begged.

Clarke was too tired to argue, so she took him to her house.

She forced him to drink a glass of water before letting him pass out in her bed. She laid down on the opposite side of him, facing away, and closed her eyes.

A few hours later she woke up in his arms.

—

Bellamy was sleeping when Clarke woke up and she couldn’t wait for him to awake if she wanted to catch her class. So she scribbled down a note and left it on her nightstand.

All day she was distracted. She couldn’t think about anything other than the state of her relationship. She loved him so much, but he kept pushing her away. It was exhausting.

When she got to her house that night, Bellamy’s truck was in the driveway. She braced herself.

Upon entering the house, she was immediately hit with the scent of food cooking. The juicy smell entered her nose and went straight to her stomach. Between her classes and all her worrying she hadn’t taken the time to eat anything.

He was sticking food into oven when she walked in. She admired him from behind, working around her kitchen. When she took a step forward the floorboard creaked and he jumped, turning around.

“You startled me.” He said.

“What are you doing here?” She asked kindly.

He walked towards her and pulled her into a sweet kiss. She kissed him back and forgot about their worries for a moment.

His hands rested firmly on her hips. Clarke stuck her hand under the band of his pants and scratched her nails at the skin just above his ass. He hummed into her mouth and she pulled back.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“About what?” She asked, genuinely curious.

“Yesterday.” His eyes were downcast. “All of it.”

“Okay.” It was all she could say. She wasn’t sure where his heart was and she didn’t want to accept his apology if he was going to do the same thing all over again.

She stepped back and looked towards the oven.

“Food smells good.” She said, trying to change the subject and keep her emotions in. But she knew her voice gave her hurt away.

“Hey.” He said walking towards her. He pressed her against the counter. His hands reach under her shirt, curling around each side of her waist. His thumbs move up and down on her stomach, scratching at her skin. “I love you _so_ much. I know I haven’t been good lately. I’ve been moody and annoying.” His hands tickled at her side a bit and she squirmed. “But there’s a reason.”

Clarke’s heart dropped. She expected the worst, like that he didn’t think they were working and he wanted to leave her. Or that he didn’t love her anymore.

“Whatever it is—just say it. Please.” She asked. She couldn’t live in the suspense anymore. It was eating her alive.

“I’ve been scared.” He said. “We know each other well.” He swallowed thickly. “But you don’t know all of my past. The way I lived. I’m afraid if you see it, you’ll realize that you want something better.”

Clarke had no idea all of that was going on in his head. She was only thinking of herself, that he didn’t want her. She didn’t even consider that he was acting strange because he felt like he couldn’t live up to her.

“Bellamy—“

“I know that’s unfair to you. I shouldn’t judge you for something you haven’t even done.” He paused. “Which is why I want to give you a chance.” She tilted her head. “My Mom’s landlord called. Said I have a week to move her out.”

Clarke’s mouth opened a bit. She had no idea.

Bellamy continued. “I have a new place lined up for her, but I need to move all her belongings. She lives upstate a bit and I’m going this weekend.” Clarke counted him taking three long breaths before speaking again. “I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.”

Clarke didn’t doubt her answer. “Of course. I’d love to.”

Bellamy was willing to open up to her, to allow her to see a part of him that he didn’t often share. She wasn’t going to miss that opportunity.

His face broke out into a nervous smile and he kissed her again.

—

Clarke didn’t regret saying yes—not even for a second. But when the alarm blared at five am the next morning, she did wondering if they could have gone about it a different way. Any plan that didn’t involve them waking up at _five_ in the morning on a weekend would have been great.

Bellamy wanted to be there early and Clarke decided to respect that. She could barely keep her eyes open as she was getting ready, but Bellamy washed her hair for her while she leaned against him in the shower, so she didn’t complain much.

His Mom’s house was four hours away. The time went by fast. Clarke offered to drive, but Bellamy insisted he be behind the wheel, so she mostly slept the entire ride.

It was nearing nine o’clock when she heard Bellamy speaking in the back of her head. She opened her eyes slowly—taking generous blinks—and looked over at him.

“We’re here.” He said.

His thumb was dancing nervously on the steering wheel.

She rested her hand on his upper thigh and squeezed comfortingly.

The house before them was messy. It was a mobile home a large property. The yard was unkept, the grass was overgrown, and trash was littered the porch. While Clarke had certainly never seen anything like it in her life, she didn’t think less of Bellamy.

Bellamy cleared his throat and Clarke looked over at him. His cheeks were red.

“I can, uh, I—“ He let out a shaky breath. “It might be best if I go inside and tidy up.” He stumbled over his words. “Then I’ll come and get you.”

Clarke scratched her nails up and down the side of his back muscle.

“If you really want that, you can.” Clarke told him. “But don’t do it for my sake. Nothing inside that house could make me love you any less.”

Bellamy gave the smallest smile and Clarke’s heart leapt at the victory.

“You can come in now, then.” He told her.

After hopping out of the car, they met in front of the truck. His hand engulfed hers, his grip tight, and they walked to the front door. He knocked a twice. Clarke strained her ears. Nothing but silence came from the inside.

Clarke braced herself to meet Bellamy’s Mom. She hoped they would get along. At the very least, they would have the common ground of loving Bellamy.

 _She likes to paint_ _,_ Bellamy had told her on the way over, _I think she’ll like you._

After a beat, Bellamy leaned down and flipped the corner of the worn welcome mat over to reveal a key. He picked it up and unlocked the door.

The inside was a lot better than Clarke expected. It was certainly not clean, but it was obvious that someone had tidied up a bit.

“Mom?” Bellamy called.

There was no answer.

He turned to Clarke. “She must be gone for the day.”

“Did she know we were coming?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah. I told her.” He chewed as if there was gum in his mouth. “I’ll give her another call if she’s not back by the time we’re done.”

Clarke looked around. There weren’t any photos on the walls.

“Was this your childhood home?” She asked.

Bellamy looked taken aback.

“No.” He said, watching her out of the corner of his eye. “We moved around a lot. It was always places similar this, though.”

Clarke nodded, not sure of what else to say.

Item by item, they moved everything in the home into the bed of Bellamy’s truck.

By the end of the day Clarke was exhausted.

Bellamy’s Mom never showed up and Clarke didn’t ask where she was.

When they hopped into Bellamy’s truck she leaned back and let her muscles ache without strain.

“Tomorrow we can move everything into her new place.”

He looked fragile and it broke Clarke’s heart.

She grabbed his fist into her hand and pulled it up to her mouth, pressing her lips against his knuckles.

“I love you.” She said, wanting him to believe. She hoped he believed.

—

After they grabbed dinner they checked into their hotel. Bellamy was much quieter than normal, but his disposition wasn’t off-putting to Clarke. She knew how many memories were probably flying through his mind.

When they were both in bed that night, the clean hotel sheets resting above them, Bellamy spoke.

His chest was pressed against her back and his arm pulled her close to him. The room was dark.

“I understand…” He started. Clarke wanted to cry at how sad his voice sounded. “I understand if you feel differently now. About me.”

Clarke turned in his arms, facing him. She could barely make out the tear falling down his cheek. Her eyes strained to see him.

She spoke. “I will _never_ change the way I feel about you, Bellamy.” She needed to say it with confidence, so much that he would believe it. “I love you so much, _so_ strongly, nothing could _ever_ take that feeling away from me.”

She felt him nod against the bed. The white of his eyes was barely discernible in the pitch black room, but she could see conviction flooding them. He was starting to believe her, her heart leapt.

His eyes squeezed shut..

“ _I love you_.” She said, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“ _I love you._ ” She moved her lips to the tip of his nose.

“ _I love you._ ” Her mouth brushed against his cheek.

“ _I love you so much.”_ She whispered. “I’ll wait forever for you to believe it.”

Clarke’s ears stung from the static noise in the room. The silence that followed his words was not disheartening.

She was here with Bellamy. She loved him. He loved her. And she could rest assured that she would never be alone as long as Bellamy was alive. She had never been so comforted by a thought.

As the minutes passed, Clarke became confident that he had fallen asleep.

Then his whisper filled her ears.

“I do.” He said. “I believe you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to share, I'd love to hear your thoughts—good or bad—in the comments.
> 
> I’d consider adding onto this in the future, if that’s something that people would be interested in.
> 
> Once again, huge thank you to every person who read this!


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